Advice On How To Name Your New Pet Chimpanzee

Anyone with a brain like that
should not be named "Giggles".

These days the most popular names for dogs are damn near the same as the most popular names for human babies. Yet when it comes to naming chimpanzees people always give them ridiculous names like Bubbles, Bam Bam, or Zippy. There’s something seriously wrong with that. No wonder they go around tearing people’s faces and genitals off. Chimps are much closer to being human than dogs and we name dogs Maxwell and Tiffany? That doesn’t make sense to me, so here are five examples of more appropriate names for a pet chimpanzee.

5. Dedric McGillicutty Esq.

4. Mortimer Lionheart-Fensworth III

3. Diana Peterson

2. Kelvin Lucius Caesar

1. Guillermo De Los Santos

You probably shouldn't own a chimp as a pet, but if you do, at least give it a dignified name. It's the 21st century. "Chim Chim" ain't gonna cut it when you have a basset hound named Samantha.