How To Recover From Crapping Your Pants At Work

Know your enemy.

Few things are as threatening to a career than having a bowel accident at work. It shows your superiors and colleagues that you leave a lot to be desired in the fields of time management, problem solving, planning and critical thinking. It makes them question your dietary choices. It might even show that you lack discipline and buckle under pressure in serious situations. But rest assured, crapping your pants at work doesn’t automatically spell disaster for years to come, most of the time it does, but not always. Here are a few steps you can take to make sure your defining moment at work wasn’t in the seat of your pants.

1. “Silence” all the witnesses. You can take that however you want to, but I think you know what I’m talking about. The moment you poop your pants at work you have to run through a list of priorities. First, you clean yourself up (obviously). Second, you find yourself a fresh pair of trousers. And third, you do damage control. Bring donuts into work every day for about two to three years. By the end of that stretch, no one has forgotten you shit your pants, but they’re glad it happened because of all the free donuts.

2. Get people to forget what happened. This is risky because getting people to forget you taking a dump in your undies is a tall order. It might take some severe accomplishment or stunt to overwrite that in the minds of your coworkers and bosses.

3. Make pretend it was done on purpose. This is easiest to do if somehow you luckily crapped yourself on April 1st, otherwise you’ve got a bigger task ahead. This is a risky method because usually it involves crapping in your pants at work AGAIN, preferably with an adult diaper on. That way you can walk around showing people the first time was totally intentional and you wear diapers so it’s no big deal. The nice thing about this is if you’re comfortable with the idea of wearing adult diapers you can just crap your pants whenever you want. It’s like the first time broke the ice and allowed you to be who you really are, a crazy pantshitting sunuvabitch.