The Top 5 Parts Of Your Body That You Should NEVER Clean With Hand Sanitizer

Have you ever wondered why they take the care to call it “Hand sanitizer”? Well here’s why:

5. Feet

Feet is on this list just because it’s a little weird. Socially, it’s unacceptable. If you don’t believe me, go up to your co-worker’s Purell, pump some into your hands and then kick off your shoes and socks and start massaging your feet with it. I doubt you’ll get a positive response.

I wonder if people judge me more for rubbing hand sanitizer on my feet or my wool socks.

4. Nostrils

Hopefully you’re aware that most harmful bacteria and viruses enter the human body through the nose. This does not however give you a good reason to snort hand sanitizer for the sake of cleansing the sinuses. Hand sanitizer might look like mucus and feel like mucus, but it’s definitely not something you want up your nose and you should NEVER snort it unless you want the brain’s version of a heart attack.

Insufflating Purell is a one way ticket to painsville.

3. Eyes

The top 3 are perhaps the closest top three in the history of lists. There are no real winners here, but eyes takes the bronze. Have you ever wanted to unsee something so dirty you thought your only course of action was to squirt Purell into your eyes? How’d that work out for ya? Probably not great. The pain is SEVERE.

This is your eye on hand sanitizer. Any questions?

2. Genitals

We’ve all been with an unclean person before. Maybe you thought Purelling your Chap Stick and biscuit sack would help stave off an STD. Whether or not it works is not clear, but what is clear is how horrible the pain is. If you’re thinking about Purelling your genitals just send them straight to hell and save them some agony.

The human testicle was not meant to withstand hand sanitizer.

1. Butthole

Numero uno on this list of course the butthole. Is the pain any more severe than genitals or eyes? Not really. The reason this takes the number one spot though is because you might actually think it’s a great idea especially when you’re out of toilet paper. You think, “Hey, hand sanitizer is super clean. I want my anus to be super clean! Let’s put one and one together to make two!” Not only will Purelling your butthole NOT solve any problems, it will give you a whole new list of them. One being your screams in the public bathroom have cause someone to alert the police. It’s no fun filling out a police report claiming you weren’t being assaulted, but were actually just applying hand sanitizer to your Satan hole.

Putting Purell on your rectum is a lot like putting Taco Bell lava diarrhea back up your ass.

If you can go the rest of your life without purposefully or accidentally putting hand sanitizer on those five areas you’ll be just fine.