Ask McFartnuggets: “If 60 is the New 40 Doesn’t That Mean 40 is the New 60?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I just turned 40-years-old last month and I feel like shit. My body is falling apart and I’ve been very depressed, I’ve been drinking a lot lately. I’m starting to wonder if that’s because all these 60-year-old people have been telling me 60 is the new 40. If 60 is the new 40 then that means 40 is the new 60, right? Or is 40 the old 60? Or is 60 the old 40? I’m a little confused about this stuff. Little help here? -- Wendell from Santa Fe, New Mexico

Dear Wendell:

I can understand your confusion here. However it’s important to realize that all of these sayings are bullshit. Ages are still the number of years you’ve been alive and nothing can change that. The saying “60 is the new 40” comes from old people who don’t feel that old. Therefore, 40 isn’t the new 60 even though 60 is the new 40. That seems like a logical fallacy, but you have to remember that it comes from the human life expectancy rising. If anything, 40 would be the new 20. Of course in your case it would appear that at least for you, old 40 is the new 60. Maybe by the time you’re 60 you can be the new 40 and relive the next 20 years of your life in a more enjoyable way.

Apparently 60 used to be the old 80.

Write your questions in to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com