Ask McFartnuggets: “What The Hell is Sleep AIDS?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I been hearing about this new thing Sleep AIDS on the news. Great just what I need a new STD to be scared of! What the hell is Sleep AIDS anyways? Do I need to sleep in my bed at night with a condom on and a preventative buttplug up my ass from now on? I heard it can be deadly especially when you’re driving; is this only for people who try to fuck while they’re driving? Will this Sleep AIDS ever go away? Are there people looking for a cure? -- Wayne from Columbus, Indiana

Dear Wayne:

I think what you’re referring to are “sleeping pills.” Prescription pills like Lunesta and Ambien are sometimes referred to as “sleep aids” because they aid you in falling asleep. Unfortunately that can sometimes be when you’re behind the wheel of a car which is why they’re considered dangerous. It has nothing to do with HIV/AIDS. I suppose one could get AIDS during their sleep if someone with AIDS was there and wanted to infect them, which is a pretty scary thought. If that’s the case the measures you mentioned of a condom and buttplug could be somewhat effective as a defense. One thing I could recommend is to sleep near a weapon that you could use to help fight off the attacker if you wake up in time. Make sure to sleep fully dressed, the more clothes the better. This could be a reason AIDS spreads so much in Africa. It’s too hot for people to sleep fully clothed in snow pants and winter coats. I don’t know, just a theory. You could wear a tight blindfold as a cover over your mouth to make it a little more difficult for them to get the fluids into your orifices. This may provide you the necessary time you need to wake up and fend off sleep AIDS attempt. Hope this helps!

Sleep masks are the safest sleep aid available, just make sure you're not accidentally using a used maxi pad or you could get actual AIDS.

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