Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Goats Scream Like People?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Have you seen those goats that scream like people? Why do they do that? Why did the goats evolve like that? Did they learn to scream like a human as a hillbilly rape alarm or something like that? That way people will run to rescue a person being raped when if it was just a goat sound they’d say “Oh that’s just Billy Bob doing what he does!” -- Sam from Bridgewater, Maine

Dear Sam:

That’s an interesting theory however I don’t believe goat sexual assault is prevalent enough to affect evolution that quickly. For example, human women on this planet get sexually assaulted probably more than goats and they still haven’t evolved to have vagina teeth. Sadly, that’s not the way nature works. Goats scream to call over or locate other goats. I’m not sure how useful a human scream would be on a farm where people bone goats anyways. If you’ve ever seen “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” you know you can scream as loud as you want in a human voice in Middle America and the odds of anyone helping you are very slim.

Screaming only works slightly better than the old "Bleat means no" campaign.

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