Why would Michael Jackson fake his death?

It's been a few days since 6/25 so I think it's time to examine why Michael Jackson faked his own death. Everyone likes to talk about celebrities who may have faked their own deaths. Elvis and Hitler come to mind, but what reasons did those men have to keep on going? At the time of their deaths, they were ready to die. Michael Jackson on the other hand had many reasons to fake his demise.

He had a big comeback tour coming up, obviously that can be pretty stressful and he was having problems sleeping. Add to that the fact he was having financial problems somehow, even while owning music rights valued up to two billion dollars... He was smart enough to know that by dying, not only would his record sales skyrocket, but that he could forget about the tour and offer refunds, OR collector's item holographic tickets, which of course most rabid fans would accept in lieu of a performance.

The biggest reason why Michael Jackson would fake his death is to escape society. He wasn't comfortable living life offstage and who could blame him? Being constantly mobbed by fans even when you're wearing a mask and perhaps being blackmailed for child molestation can wear on your nerves. But if he could escape to a "Lord of the Flies" kind of island somewhere, wouldn't that be his paradise? Then in a decade or so he could return with a completely new face and enjoy his replenished riches.

The reason I believe this so vehemently is because it would have been damn easy for him to do it. Most celebrities can't fake their deaths, it requires too much work. They need to crash a plane or set it up where someone's body would be charred beyond recognition or not found at all. Michael Jackson on the other hand, could have used a skeleton from a Biology lab somewhere and put some of his skin shavings on it and the doctors who arrived on the scene would have been none the wiser.

I'm onto you Michael. But don't worry, I won't look for you. I hope you're finally enjoying life.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Why have you taken Billy Mays, lord?

Billy Mays may not be missed for his outlandish yelling and selling of useless products, but the fact of the matter is, he had a beard and smiled a lot. That counts for a great deal these days. In a world where everyone sits in front of their TVs with a frown, William Mays was out selling stuff in a blue shirt on television for those people frowning. In many cases he might have turned their frowns into smiles, at least momentarily until the Oxiclean chemicals paralyzed their faces 3-5 weeks after delivery.

I was told his funeral will only cost five easy payments of $19.95 plus shipping and handling, which when dealing with funeral services, is the bulk of the cost. But in all seriousness, Billy Mays seemed like a fun loving guy and while he did force me to lose most of my child's college fund on cleansing products and police radio scanners, that was just a sign of how good he was. Very few people ever get to revolutionize American culture, but he and the ShamWow guy, (who I will say probably deserved to die more) changed everything and will never be forgotten for it. Rest in peace Billy Mays, may your yelling now be to the tune of an angelic harp in paradise.

Billy Mays (July 20, 1958 – June 28, 2009)

-Binkie McFartnuggets

How do astronauts handle extreme stress?

It is very cold in space, though that doesn't excuse the behavior of any of these astronauts. It's a good thing they do have space skills because they certainly couldn't be professional cake party guests.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Most shocking celebrity death ever?

I still can't believe Michael Jackson died, he looked so healthy! He was about to do a comeback tour! They said he looked "skeletal" but what's new about that? That was his look! He cultivated that. I think it's sick how Michael Jackson album sales have skyrocketed over the past day due to his death. Why do we always wait for someone to die before appreciating them? Some people are already calling for Dr. Pepper to claim the vacant title of "King of Pop" and I have to disagree with that.

Michael's greatest scientific contribution to the world was the anti-gravity breakthrough "Smooth Criminal" shoe. With countless practical applications in the world of manufacturing, Michael Jackson re-invented the way factories engage their employees in elaborate synchronized dance numbers for entertainment during lunch breaks.

Why does history always seem to repeat itself? People are drawing parallels between Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley now, of course they had to wait for Jackson to die prematurely before the similarities were complete. But now that they are, we can really see how two of the biggest stars in music rose drastically and suffered a tragic fall. Now Mir-Hossein Mousavi has gone missing after losing the election in Iran. Whether he's doing this deliberately to mimic the actions of John Kerry after the U.S. Presidential election of 2004 or not, we may never know.

The same things are occurring and I don't like it! Seeing some things once is good enough most of the time. How about some originality? I'm not saying it would have been better if Michael Jackson had lived til he was elderly, that would have been downright frightening, but it's even more scary how storylines keep recycling here on Earth. Is God running out of material?

On a more personal note, as an amateur baby dangler, I have to thank Michael Jackson from the deepest regions of the crook of my baby dangling arm. This man did more for the art of baby dangling than any other human being to ever step foot on a balcony anywhere! His music will be his legacy, but his charitable work will never be ignored.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" a sign of the Apocalypse?

How far are we going to go with this kind of crap? What's next? A show called "Ben and Jen Plus Ten?" Yeah it sounds awesome and seems ridiculous, but odds are, it's in the works right now. I think we should just force Madonna to adopt all these kids and send Jon, Kate, and Octomom off to the Prince William Sound in Alaska with whoever NBC considers a "celebrity" these days and make them clean up the remnants of the Exxon Valdez oil spill. Now that would be entertainment we could all feel good about, not to mention those kids would end up thanking their parents for exploiting them just so Madonna could eventually do so in style.

"But what if Madonna doesn't accept the kids? She only takes children from overseas!"

Well, if she really does care about kids, she would realize that these Jon and Kate ones are on the beaten path to becoming serial killers. Kids don't take long to kill these days either, most are getting a hold of guns as early as seven!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

New Dannon Activia Fiber Yogurt? Are you sure?

If, despite all your attempts at eating medicated yogurt designed to flush your bowels isn't helping you achieve the world record for most visits to the toilet in a single day, there's good news... New Dannon Activia with Fiber!

What in the hell is Dannon trying to prove here? Yeah, sure being "regular" is very important, but how regular is it to be constantly sh*tting a brick? I'm sure your anus wouldn't agree. I know constipation is a serious and painful issue, believe me I know, but this new Activia yogurt is pushing it (pardon the pun). Even Jamie Lee Curtis has to be worried about possible promotional appearances where she'll be contractually obligated to scarf this stuff down. God bless her soul... And her colon for that matter.

Prior to the innovation of Activia Fiber, the only other way to achieve this level of bowel movement was to eat an entire sycamore tree. There should be a warning on the side of the package that says, "Must consume with blowtorch." If you are at all reticent about trying this yogurt, you might as well trust your instincts and instead swallow a time released plastic explosive the size of a human jawbone. It won't be as loud or work nearly as well, but your wallpaper will thank you later.

At what age is it okay to flush a dog down the toilet?

Apparently four years old. A 4-year-old English kid "accidentally" flushed his cocker spaniel down the toilet while trying to give it a bath. People have been telling me I'm wrong to judge this kid because kids always do stupid things. Hey! Listen! This kid is lucky the dog was found alive in the sewer thanks to the quick thinking work of some qualified adults. If the dog had been killed would you be fiddling the same tune?

Who gives a dog a bath in the toilet? Who gives anything a bath in the toilet? After four years on this planet you should know that the toilet is a "no-no, dirty place." People say, "Yeah whatever, you knew everything when you were a kid. You had your first sexual experience at the age of 6! This isn't you, this is somebody else!"

You're right, it is someone else. But this is the year 2009, 4 is the new 10, at least that's what they're saying in the magazines. This kid should have known better and should damn well be knowing better right now. Someone has to set this kid straight, and if not his parents (who never told him to stop sticking his hands in the sh*tter) then maybe it has to be me!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Are unicycles the transportation of the future?

With planes falling out of the sky every day, SUVs smashing into tour buses, trains derailing, people falling off of cruise ships, and walking being too slow, somebody eventually has to promote the unicycle as the transportation device of the future. But who would be crazy enough to think human beings can use unicycles to get around on an everyday basis? ME! That's who!

Reasons to take up unicycling:

1) It's completely green transportation. Bicycles might be under the disguise of green, but how green is it when you ride your damn bicycle into a deer like that idiot Matt Lauer did? The only thing green about that is the deer bile you have to wipe off your Huffy with a damp sponge and towel.

2) It's safe. When was the last time you heard of a deadly unicycle accident? Has that ever happened in the history of mankind? Meanwhile a guy in a wheelchair gets mugged in Florida. Also, there's no safety equipment necessary (this kind of goes with being green). When you eventually do die there won't be plastic helmets everywhere to be rejected by the soil.

3) Unicycles are versatile. Sure you can't unicycle to Idaho, yet, but it's only a matter of willpower. Unicycles can go up stairs, traverse 4 inch wide zig zag platforms, and dozens more amazing flaming obstacles.

4) They require physical fitness to operate. You will never see a morbidly obese person on a standing unicycle. If we teach our kids to ride unicycles at a young age and make it an unavoidable part of culture, no one will ever become fat, and even if they do, they'll still have the agility and balance to utilize a unicycle and at that point the blubber is merely an issue of aesthetics not health.

I could think of more reasons, but those are good enough as it is. You might be worried about looking like an idiot, but that's just because you're afraid to fail. No one successfully rides a unicycle on their first try, that has to be genetically coded into a child's DNA and that won't happen for at least fifteen years, so just sacrifice some dignity and join the movement you self conscious ass!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Should Iran be split into two states?

If I could control things that's what I would do, seems to work for the Israelis and the Palestinians... You can always boil a group of people down to two opposing factions. It's the amazing dynamic that makes life and death possible. We have red states and blue states in America, but for the most part it's a matter of who has a sense of humor and who doesn't. In Iran that might not be the case, but an overall lack of fun sh*t to do is certainly not helping them. Even if the election had been fair and Mousavi had won, would that have changed much? It'd still be hot as hell with limited Buffalo Wild Wings franchise locations.

If they could just pair off into groups that each person would enjoy being in and leave the other alone that would be fine. But it won't last long until one group who isn't having fun wants to take it out on the other and a full scale conflict arises. All these power struggles in the world are no different than the ones you have on an everyday basis with the old lady at the bus stop who keeps thinking she can board ahead of you. One day you will grab her from behind and throw her spine on your knee, but until then your rage simmers. The day is coming though, and when it does, God have mercy on us all.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is there dookie in your cookie?

If you've recently contracted E. coli, it's probably because you've been eating raw cookie dough again. E. coli, better known by its full name Escherichia coli has been found in Nestle Toll House cookie dough. How can something so pure be so evil? That's just the nature of life; then again you didn't think you could bite into this and not end up with bloody diarrhea did you?

Reminds me of something my mother used to say. "If it looks like a turd and contains Gram negative bacterium commonly found in fecal matter, it's probably a turd."

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Since when is it wrong to dress up like your dead mother?

A guy in New York has been fooling people for years by dressing up like an old lady and collecting elderly benefits in the name of his deceased mother. So he dressed up like an old woman and had a guy pose as his nephew for six years, who hasn't had those periods? He got away with $115,000 dollars (equivalent to 70,633 British pounds) meanwhile bank robbers wielding assault rifles get away with more every day! This guy did something nonviolent, clever, and disturbing. To me, that's always a good mix.

What got to me was the way the cops talked about his disguise. They seemed shocked that he wore a wig, lipstick, big sunglasses, and scarf around his neck to cover his adam's apple. Yeah, that's not a shocker. Any man dressing up as an old lady would need those items most likely. You wouldn't walk into a bank with a walker and shawl and think that's enough to fool people. The guy did what he felt he needed to do, what you should be concerned with is how he went unnoticed like that for six years!

Now presumably because of everyone's embarrassment, this guy and his accomplice are facing up to 25 years in prison. Just for being like Norman Bates and wanting to keep the memory of his mother alive in the world! Then you have Donte Stallworth, wide receiver for the Cleveland Browns, who killed a guy while driving drunk and is looking at 30 days in jail. What kind of world do we live in, where a man dressed up like a bat, gets my press?!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

How are you enjoying "Juneuary"?

People have been trying to blame global warming for the mild "summer" season we've experienced so far in 2009. Global WARMING! It just goes to show that no one knows what the hell Global Warming is and that's sad. The very nature of the problem is scientific which means, we as humans in America are probably not going to figure it out before it's too late.

When people tell me about "Juneuary" I want to spin kick them in the face. They like to slap the label of global warming on every little thing and that's crying wolf. Just because a mild summer isn't the boogeyman of "liberal climate change" doesn't mean global warming doesn't still exist! I'm like Dick Cheney, I hope we do see Julybruary, Augch, Septebril, Octobay, Novune, and Decembuly, just to convince people that we have a problem here once and for all. Then again, maybe I should just stop taking what people at the bus stop tell me so seriously, I don't know.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is going "green" a load of plant fertilizer?

People love to talk about going green, but they'll go as green as they can without hassling themselves. That's not what going green should be about. It shouldn't be about making a profit for businesses and it shouldn't be about doing what you can manage before feeling uncomfortable. If you really care about the environment you'll make real sacrifices. Otherwise you're no different than the ignorant bastard who's still using regular light bulbs around their house.

If you really want to go green, you can go ahead and get rid of your toilet that wastes gallons of water per day and replace it with a greenhouse or a terrarium of some sort, maybe a garden. Then grow your own tree in there. But where will I go to the bathroom? On the tree dummy! Your feces and urine will give the tree the nutrients and moisture it needs to grow up strong and you can rest assured that all the new oxygen you're creating is making the world a better place for real. The sad thing is, someone who did that would most likely be considered "crazy." Yeah crazy like an environmentally conscious fox!

If you don't think that's going to help Earth, you're full of crap,

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is age a meaningless societal construct?

World culture is focused a little too much on age. It's the defining factor in everyone's life aside from money. Some might even value it more than money since you can get money, but you can't decrease the length of time you've been alive. I don't believe we should value age as much as we do. Of course it needs to exist to keep kids from having sex and doing drugs and so that the elderly can get discounts on crap, but aside from that it's worthless, as John Glenn proves in this video.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Why is my computer heating up so much lately?

Yeah I know it's getting older, ass, but just because something gets old doesn't mean it warms up. Have you ever held and elderly person's body up to yours? It's saggy and frigid! My freaking computer gets so damn hot within mere minutes of surfing porn it's getting to a point where I'm starting to sweat along with the damn thing. The ambient heat coming off the sumbitch is actually warming my head, it's churning and boiling my brain juices! The worst part is summer is here and it hasn't even been getting that summery. Once it does, whoa HO, forget about it! The battery compartment is going to melt through and the acid is going to spill all over my crotch burning a hole directly through the bottom of my ass and I will shake in pain for three whole minutes before finally succumbing to shock and death. Personally I blame the CONFICKER. I know you're out there Conficker and if you think I don't know what you're doing you're wrong! I know a lot of people's computers have been heating up lately, it can't just be a coincidence. The CONFICKER is a plan by the computer companies to slowly overheat all the computers so we have to go out and buy new ones because people are so dependent on them it's sickening. Then perhaps that would stimulate the economy, leading back to my original thought that Conficker was a government plot... Damn I get tired of being right all the time!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is there anything funnier than a bear falling from a tree?

I didn't really like the tone of that last post, so I figured I would lighten the mood with a bear falling out of a tree. These days with the economy the way it is, it should come as no surprise that bears are on the loose everywhere. I hope the bear population does get out of control. I've always wanted a bear cub, so much so that I would actually raise one if by some chance it's mother fell out of a tree and died. That is rare though, most of the time bears are tough enough to survive tree falls which explains their love of the sport.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Have you ever been to a Holocaust museum?

Of course we need to remember tragedies to keep them from occurring again, but the Holocaust wasn't just a tragedy, it was beyond that. You want to remember 9/11 to keep airline security tight and keep everyone on the lookout for bushy, evil eyebrowed people on airplanes, but the Holocaust? Like that's just going to spring up again? Even if it does, will the average person on the street remembering it really make a difference?

I'm not trying to take away the right to remember anything from anyone, I just think that sometimes moving on is important. It's a tough battle between two ideas that I see the point in. I do think it's important to remember history, but when something like a shooting occurs at a Holocaust museum I don't know what to think. What do you do in a Holocaust museum? Just look around and relive the Holocaust? How is that fun in the first place? Then on top of that it's a target for anti-semetic psychos. Sure this kind of thing doesn't happen all the time, but it only takes a few times to tear the scab again and reveal a wound teeming with bacteria and death. Can't we just pretend like there isn't a scab there at all? Maybe then it would have the chance to finally heal a little.

The shooter was an 88-year-old guy. Which is good, maybe this is the last of them. But you still can't let people like this force open global level tensions. Hopefully that's not happening...

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Behind the scenes at a NASA beauty contest?

Sure we know that these pre-launch cake sessions can be a little tense, but was anyone expecting a beauty contest to break out? I know I wasn't. It's shocking to consider at first, but you must understand they are people just like us. They share our insecurities, our boundaries, and our instincts. Sometimes craziness will occur, let's just hope they've got a diaper on at the time.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Did Six Flags rip off Papa John's slogan?

If you've seen the new Six Flags ads lately you'd notice that not only is the old dancing freak back, but that they're using a new slogan: "More flags. More fun. Six Flags." At first, it only seems nonsensical and irritating, but if you see a Papa John's commercial afterward and hear their slogan of "Better ingredients. Better pizza. Papa John's" you'll realize something is wrong here. Having a slogan of three fragmented sentences with the first two starting with the same word and the last being the name of the organization, is a distinct marketing strategy that Six Flags has stolen from Papa John's crazy ass.

I did some more research into this and found out that Papa John's actually has a deal with Six Flags to be the official pizza of Six Flags amusement parks. That means if you want pizza in Six Flags it's Papa John's or nothing! So was Six Flags' new slogan just a coincidence, or was it copied on purpose? Did they have Papa John's consent? If Taco Bell becomes the official enchurrito of Six Flags will they bring out a new slogan: "Fresher meat. Fresher burritos. Taco Bell"?

What's next? Will Sealy become the official Six Flags bed? "Comforting Mattresses. Comforting lumbar support. Sealy Posturepedic."? Imagine how awful that would be. We need to stop this crap now before this type of slogan begins spreading across the world like Swine Flu. I hope I never have to hear "Dirtier pigs. Dirtier people. H1N1!"or god forbid "Softer lip openings. Softer sex. Expensive Homecrafted Sex Dolls."

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is racism still a problem in NASA?

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration has faced accusations of racism in the past, but since then, they have done an honorable job of stamping out discrimination in the space exploratory arts. I'm certain they have stopped most of it as we are now in the 21st century, but let's take a look back into what was, and you be the judge. Was there racism? Or was it all blown out of proportion like a giant nitrogen filled rocket booster? Keep in mind this was taken shortly before a launch and everyone's nerves were on edge.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Didn't I tell you something was wrong here?

While France and Brazil are quarreling over proof of the crash, the real mystery remains unsolved. Can you believe people were laughing at my theories? Laughing! Have you taken a look around here? This isn't a place for laughter! Binkie McFartnuggets' Mansion of Mania is a place for hard hitting news reporting and life changing commentary!

Now they're searching for the black boxes underwater in yellow submarines. I was just watching that show "Monster Quest" on History Channel and I don't enjoy it. It's pretty boring, they search around for a monster that they know deep down in their hearts doesn't exist and then talk about it for an hour. Why not take these fellers and put them in the yellow submarine to look for the black boxes of Air France Flight 447? Is it because they wouldn't be qualified? Fine, well at least send a camera crew with the people who are conducting the search now so that we can tell it's legit.

I'd be shocked if they found the flight recorders in the murky deep! That means odds are, they won't find it. Just like the odds are that no one will ever know what happened. Well I think that's BS! A little more effort could mean the difference between knowing the truth and throwing another mystery on the pile of "Crazy sh*t we are no longer concerning ourselves with." I can tell you this, they're not stuck on some "Lost" island, they're being kept at a Guantanamo Bay type place and that needs to stop!

I want that f*cking plane!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What will a beer and wine tax hike solve?

Pretty much nothing! If Senate wants to tax soda pop I'm all in favor because it's evil sugar liquid. Aside from the obesity and Diabetes problems it causes, it rots your teeth; we all know that. But having rotten teeth also affects your heart. That means soda contributes to heart disease, why does no one mention this? Conversely, beer and wine, and other alcoholic beverages are scientifically proven to help the heart and improve blood circulation.

Maybe you want to raise the price on beer and wine so people will consume less and stop driving while intoxicated. If that's the case, you're way off. Someone who wants to drive home drunk is going to drive home drunk no matter how much they paid for their happy depression juice. If anything, the money they wasted on your extra tax could have been used to pay for a cab. So you think about that Senate, you think hard before you do something we are all going to regret!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What really happened to Air France Flight 447?

They say it broke apart in the air before crashing, yet left a giant oil slick? How does that make sense? You wanna know what I think? No? Well here it goes anyway!

The plane never crashed. A government plane dropped some oil over the water along with some similar model debris (a curiously small amount, I mean why did they find some and not other debris? If the plane broke up in air, surely there would be more! But of course they can't carry that much debris to drop and they could only make one or two flights over the fake crash spot before someone noticed.)

Where did the plane go? It probably got sent to whatever weird ass island they brought the flights from September 11th 2001 to. Remember how everyone was saying the damage at the Pentagon didn't look like an actual plane crashed there? Well this case of the Air France jet is pretty much the same thing. It doesn't look like a plane crashed at all!

I don't think they were brought to the 9/11 Island for the same reasons as the people on 9/11 were. The 9/11 victims were brought there to fake 9/11, but these people were brought there just because it's a place people can be brought to by plane where they'll never be seen again.

I want answers damnit! Though I am willing to wait awhile so take your time, but I do want the answers some day asswipes!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

When does train entertainment turn horrifying?

We've all been on a boring train ride at least once in our lives and wished someone would show up to dance around in a costume for our amusement. But as this video by hollylover73 shows, some things are better left unwished...



The creepy thing is he never left after the dance was done and told everyone how he feeds off clapping as a source of food. Needless to say, things got pretty uncomfortable and stayed that way for the next 8 hours.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

How does a plane not flying over the Bermuda Triangle vanish?

The airline industry says they're in the stone age of air traffic control and that no one should be surprised when a jet filled with people goes missing over the Atlantic. If that was true, then why wouldn't this sort of thing be happening constantly? Is it a testament to how skilled the air traffic controllers are? Probably. If that's the case, shouldn't we let one or two mistakes slide? That's easy to ask when no one you know is on a missing plane.

We live in a world where professionals dealing with lives have no room for error at all and that's pretty hypocritical. We're always told pencils have erasers for a reason. It should be okay to make a mistake every once in awhile because that keeps us from hiding and covering up for what we mess up. Perhaps dozens of planes go missing all the time, but we never hear about them and this recent Air France flight was too big to hide. I'm onto you air travel industry, you don't fool me...

A lot of people are speculating that the plane hit storms, or that storms hit the plane (which is how I'd prefer to look at it since there's no sense in making the plane the culprit). I hope everyone is okay, but if something did occur, I hope they were warped to a magical land where all their fantasies come true, and not Heaven, just another dimension where they're still alive. See, I didn't wish death on them. Don't say I want them dead, I want them ALIVE! Alive and riding flying pink dolphins through clouds made of candy and dreams! With their families! I don't know how they'd get their families there, I guess the families could be transported there too, like a buy 1 get 1 free ticket package deal.

-Binkie McFartnuggets