Ask McFartnuggets: “How Does Babies Drown?”

You can't breathe vagina
juice forever.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Okay why do people always tell me I need to watch my baby around my pool because the baby will fall in? If I’m not mistaken, babies live for up to nine months in vagina juice breathing that in and don’t drown so how does babies drown? Come on! If babies could drown then people would always give birth to drowned dead babies with lungs full of baby goo. Are people stupid? -- Percy from Columbia, South Carolina

Dear Percy:

While you pose an interesting argument, the fact is, once a baby’s lungs start breathing air and stop breathing amniotic fluid or “vagina juice” as you so eloquently put it, their lungs become just like yours. At that point they then have normal lungs that will become flooded by water if they fall into a pool and the baby will die. This is a transition that has to happen otherwise we’d all have to walk around with diving helmets full of vagina juice in order to breathe and that would make life pretty difficult. It’s best to keep an eye on your baby around large bodies of water, even small ones like bathtubs. Even if they could still breathe amniotic fluids, most people’s pools aren’t filled with that. If they are that would be disgusting, and yet oddly intriguing…

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Why Baby Showers Are Not A Good Idea

When a stork brings a mommy and a daddy, or mommy and a mommy, or daddy and a daddy, or two mommies and a daddy, etc., a baby by air delivery, the two people usually think it's a good idea to have a "baby shower". This is an awful idea. There's a reason people traditionally bathe their children, and that's because putting a baby in a shower is dangerous.

In a shower there's so much less control over the temperature of the water that it's very possible to burn a baby's sensitive skin. With a bath, you can monitor the temperature of the water the baby is getting into and know exactly how warm it is. Also if you have a shower with a very high pressure nozzle this can do damage to the baby's eyes and even teeth.

The bottom line is, if you're thinking about doing these "baby showers" you shouldn't. Bathe your child in a sink to start off so that the water can't get too high and then gradually transition to a bathtub and never leave the water running to go off and do something because you might forget and find the baby face down in a full tub. It can happen to the best of us, but it is avoidable.