Dumbass Sayings: “Pins and Needles”

Sometimes Gladice at work corners you in the break room at work and says “I got this weird pins and needles sensation in my crotch area whenever I pee.” Okay first off I really didn’t need to know that. I know you have some sick thing where you have to tell people these details about your loins, but please leave me out of it. I’m sure Creepy Glen in accounting would love to hear all you have to say about your pins and needles, I don’t. Maybe she only gets off if the listener is unwilling. I really don’t care. Enough is enough. And to the point, “pins and needles” is just a stupid phrase. Which are the pins and which are the needles? To me, pins and needles are the same thing. Unless by needles you mean syringes, in which case you need to specify that. You really don’t need to say pins AND needles. Either they’re pins or their needles and don’t tell me you know the difference. There is none. That’s why no one ever says “I got this needles feeling” or I got this pins feeling.” It’s always pins AND needles and that doesn’t make any damn sense. It’s redundant to say both and to top it all off, that’s not even what actual pins and needles would feel like. If you had a pin or a needle punching its way through your internal organs you’d be in agony, you wouldn’t be casually describing it while sipping coffee, freak.

If these were stabbing you on the inside of your flesh you wouldn't be able to calmly describe that pain.

Dumbass Sayings: “Stabbing Pain”

Sometimes when your Uncle Pete describes his kidney stones to you he says “It’s a like a stabbing pain right here!” I happen to know my Uncle Pete has never actually been stabbed by anyone. People always describe pain as “Stabbing pain” like they even know what it’s like to be stabbed. Some people even describe pain “Like lightning bolts.” You don’t know what it’s like to be struck by lightning. Stop acting like you’ve experienced these things. It’s okay though because most people don’t know what it’s like to be stabbed or struck by lightning. Those who do are usually either dead or don’t remember because the lightning fucked their brain up. Liken the pains you feel to actual pains you’ve felt like your wife leaving you or succumbing to your alcoholism yet again after 5 whole years of sobriety THEN maybe I can hear what you’re saying and believe you.  

Don't speak on things you don't know about.