Ask McFartnuggets: “Should I Give Money To Homeless Beggars On The Street?”

Santa has fallen on hard
times since the elf strike.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I give a dollar to the same homeless beggar on the street every day before work, but I don’t think it’s actually helping him. What is the point of giving him him the money if it’s not really doing any good? I want to help make a difference, but is giving money to homeless beggars the best way to do that? -- T’Shon from Glendale, Arizona

Dear T’Shon:

It is nice to give a hobo a dollar every once in awhile, but it’s basically like giving them a tiny treat. It’s not going to actually help them. If you really want to help a hobo that you know is friendly and safe, get to know them and build a rapport. When you trust them, let them use your bathroom and build them a treehouse in your backyard. Then help them find some job interviews and loan them a nice suit. Once they get a job they can live in your treehouse for as long as they need until they’re on their feet and can move out. THAT would be a way to help someone. It’s just a shame that so few people do it. Is it the treehouse part? I’ll bet it’s that. People are too intimidated with the idea of building a functioning treehouse. What Would Jesus Do? He would build treehouses for all the homeless people. He was a carpenter after all.

If you have questions you need answered write them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and please no more nude photos! That’s not what this is about! I’m here to help people.

Why Are Thanksgiving and Christmas The Only Charitable Holidays?

Have you ever wondered why Thanksgiving and Christmas are the only times in the year when people get really charitable? I think it’s because they feel so good it makes them feel guilty about it so they want to help. Well what about other holidays? I guess other holidays aren’t as great, so there’s less guilt, but that doesn’t change the fact that there are millions of homeless people out there starving to death the rest of the year waiting for late November and December. I propose doing charitable things for every holiday on the calendar.

For Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day help out a random African American homeless person in your neighborhood. Yes, you are singling someone out based on race which is kind of the opposite of what Dr. King wanted, but you’re helping them so that’s fine. It’s the literal version of reverse racism.

It was Dr. King's other dream to be a magician.

For Groundhog Day select a random hobo to help and give them a care package or some money. Then about an hour later, encounter them again and give them another gift but pretend like you’ve never seen them before and keep repeating this until they’re thoroughly confused.

Don't bother trying to sell them life insurance.

For Valentine’s Day give a heart shaped box of chocolates to a homeless person and give them a peck on the lips, or just the cheek if it appears they have a lot of oral sores. A raw heart is also a nice, appropriately themed gesture and no it doesn't have to be human.

I'm sure most homeless would appreciate a HEARTY meal on Valentine's Day.

For St. Patrick’s Day give a homeless person a bottle of liquor. People always say “Why should I give any money to that hobo, he’s just gonna blow it on hooch!” Well St. Patrick’s Day is the day everyone does that so stop making them feel left out. We’re all the same when we’re vomiting.

I wonder what it's like to throw up in zero gravity.

On Easter have an Easter egg hunt for all the homeless people in the land except instead of hard boiled eggs, use plastic eggs and put some money in there. Or use hard boiled eggs, that’d probably be fine too.

What do rabbits have to do with Easter? They make a great meal for homeless people!

On Halloween invite as many hobos as you can to a costume party and tell everyone they’re just normal people with awesome hobo costumes and let them laugh and dance the night away to the Monster Mash.

I hope someone alerted the police to this van.

And by that time Thanksgiving is right around the corner and Christmas isn’t far behind. I’m not saying it’s the perfect plan, but I think we’d all agree if everyone participated in this, life would be a little less difficult for all our homeless friends.