Five Strange Ways To Cure Constipation

Sometimes getting from 1 to 5
is harder than it should be.

When you’re badly constipated you look for any way to get regular. Most people try Metamucil or other fiber and drinking a lot of water. If that’s not working for you, there are a lot of other strange ways to try and cure your constipation. I’m not promising these will work, but here are 5 strange ways to get crapping again:

5. Mexican jumping beans

If you swallow a handful of Mexican jumping beans, in theory they should be able to pop around in your digestive system and knock some of that impacted feces apart. In order to get them jumping at the right time you might want to freeze the beans first.

Mexican Jumping Beans actually jump because of a moth larvae inside.

4. Roller coasters

If you’ve ever crapped your pants on a roller coaster you know how well these rides can loosen up your intestines. Being tossed around and thrown in loops is a good way to shake things up if nothing you’ve tried is working. Sure you might shit your pants on a roller coaster, but at least you’re not constipated anymore.

Fear is a great laxative.

3. Vibrating dildos

Using a vibrating dildo is one of the weirdest ways to cure constipation. Not many doctors will be willing to suggest this method, but it’s simple science. If there’s something shaking in your ass it’s going to stimulate the area and if your constipation is in the latter area of the poop production stage then this could definitely help.

I believe this coupon is expired.

2. Taco Bell

Obviously we all know Taco Bell liquifies human bowels. Why it’s not the number one cure for constipation out there I can’t understand. When you’re constipated, doctors should just write you a prescription that says “Cheesey Gordita Crunch” on it with a coupon stapled to it.

Nothing like a few quesadillas to get the motor running.

And the number one weirdest way to cure constipation is…

1. Vibrating pill

Scientists have actually created a pill that vibrates all the way down your intestinal tract to help shake the shit loose in your body. This is basically like the Mexican jumping bean method except the pill is the size of a quarter so if you have a problem swallowing pills you might want to go with the beans. The risk you run here is getting the pill lodged in your throat and having both your entrance AND exit stuffed up. How horrible would that be!

The vibrating pill looks a lot like a kinder surprise except being able to shit again is a true treat.

Ask McFartnuggets: "What's The Longest Time You Can Go Without Pooping?"

Sometimes you need to use a
flavor injector enema to defeat
constipation.

Dear McFartnuggets: What's the Guinness world record for the longest time gone without pooping? What's the longest you've ever gone without pooping?-- Jan from Tacoma, Washington

Dear Jan:

Unfortunately there's no officially recognized Guinness world record for constipation length. I'm not sure why, clearly holding in your poops for a long time is a great achievement. Maybe it's just too dangerous to encourage.

According to Indian records a woman was constipated for 45 days and she required surgery to clean her out. Other medical records say 10 days, to me that makes more sense. The medical definition of constipation is having less than three bowl movements per week. So anything less than that is pretty dangerous. The feces rots inside your body and the bacteria can overwhelm your system.

What's the longest I've gone without pooping? About four days. I know it's not that impressive, I just really like taking dumps so for me not crapping is like quitting heroin. I need that high, Jan! I need that high!

Email your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and happy pooping!