Ask McFartnuggets: “What Does ‘Ratchet’ Mean?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

This young woman who is friends with my daughter called me “Ratchet” the other day. I went to Urban Dictionary, but I couldn’t understand a damn word of the definitions. Can you please explain to me what this word “Ratchet” means to kids these days? I can’t make heads nor tails of it! -- Yolanda from Chicago

Dear Yolanda:

“Ratchet” is defined as “A toothed bar with which a pawl engages.” and a “Pawl” is “A pivoted bar adapted to engage with the teeth of a ratchet wheel or the like so as to prevent movement or to impart motion.” So clearly when that person called you “Ratchet” they meant you were a toothed ho that a “Pawl” (aka: playa) was trying to hit on so he could get you in a situation you couldn’t escape (aka: a one night stand). It’s all very technical, but how can you even be offended when someone’s involving such clever mechanical metaphors in their insults?

Some people refer to socket wrenches as ratchets as well.

Thanks for the questions and keep em coming to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com! I’m here to help!

What the Hell is that AT&T Commercial Kid Talking About?

There's a famous A,T, and T commercial out right now where man in a suit is having brunch with a bunch of tiny children in a kindergarten class asking them if bigger is better. Normally this type of activity warrants a call to the police department, but for some reason it's a perfectly acceptable premise for a commercial these days.

In one of these ads they talk about installing a flat screen television in a treehouse and this one kid goes off on a tangent about how "You would have to hold the wire and in the position that you would have to hold the wire you wouldn't be able to see the TV". What I've been trying to figure out is what the hell that even means. I would venture to guess this child has no experience as a trained electrician and yet he's railing on about wiring issues like he's President Obama's Secretary of Energy. Judging from the other commercials I wouldn't be surprised if A,T, and T was drugging these kids.

If what that boy was saying made sense and I'm wrong about this please let me know. I don't want to be right in this type of situation. I just think it's sickening how these confused children are being exploited by a phone company. You know they're going to look back on this some day and be embarrassed, maybe even haunted by the nonsense they're saying in these ads. Companies should either let adults sell their crap or virtually manipulate children like the E*Trade Baby. Using real kids is just wrong.