Ask McFartnuggets: “What’s The Best First Impression to Do on a Job Interview?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I have a big job interview coming up and I want to make sure I nail it. I’ve been reading advice online and most of the advice highlights that first impressions are critical. Since first impressions are so lasting and important which impression do you think I should start off with? Jack Nicholson? Christopher Walken? Or maybe something a little more modern like Caitlyn Jenner? -- Randall from Long Island, New York

Dear Randall:

Okay first off, I don’t think you’re supposed to be doing actual impressions. Unless you’re going to an acting audition the term “impression” is just a figure of speech. I would particularly advise against a Caitlyn Jenner impression as that may possibly offend your interviewer. However, if you must do an impression at a normal job interview I would recommend doing an impression of successful business people or U.S. Presidents like Steve Jobs or Franklin Delano Roosevelt. That way it shouldn’t be obvious that you’re doing an impersonation, but the interviewer will get the sense that you’re very qualified and will likely do a good job. That’s the kind of impression that will leave a lasting impression. Thanks for the question and good luck!

Just make sure not to do your impression of the interviewer. They don't like that.

Electronically mail your questions to the address: PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Ask McFartnuggets: “What’s The Best Way To Quit A Job?”

If you're a postal worker
please quit normally.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I work at Walmart and I hate my job more than anything in the world. All the people I work with are idiots and my manager is a complete jerk. I’m going to quit very soon, but I need to think of a great way to do it so they will remember me forever. Don’t worry, I don’t have a gun or anything. What is something spectacular I can do to quit with style? -- Louis from Cleveland

Dear Louis:

Yeah I don’t know why people always quit by killing people, even if you’re going to be violent there’s no reason to take lives. For example, a perfect way to quit a job is to take a stereo with the Hulk Hogan entrance theme on tape or CD to work. If they have a PA system, play it through that or just turn the stereo up really loud and then kick open the doors pretending you’re Hulk Hogan while the music plays. “I AM A REAAAAL AAMERRRICAAANN!!” Then just go around clotheslining everyone in sight and rip off your shirt and then start doing that thing where you cup your hand to your ear. To me, that’s the best way to quit a job. I’ve only done it a few times, but every time it’s always been very memorable for everyone and it’s funny even to those who get clotheslined because I’m not doing it hard unless I’m on coke, which only happened once and the leg drop doesn’t actually hurt in real life. It hurts you way more because you land right on your ass.

Send questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and good luck with the job search!

Dumbass Sayings: “What We Do In Life Echoes In Eternity”

If you listen close you can hear
the echo of this guy being killed
by a lion.

General Maximus from “Gladiator” once said “What we do in life echoes in eternity.” That sounds nice especially if you’re about to go into battle to die, but what does that even mean? Does that mean everything you do echoes in eternity? If that’s the case then who cares? If you’re going to make an echo just by doing things in life then why not make an echo laying on your ass eating potato chips than dying screaming being murdered by a barbarian?

Plus, an echo isn’t a big deal. Who wants to be an echo? Echos are generally very faint and often indecipherable. Do people really think some alien in a five million years is going to say “Hold on, what’s that? I think I just heard an echo. Sounded like a guy scratching his balls.” Yeah I’m really sure that’s going to happen. That seems highly unlikely and even if it did happen, who cares? That’s five million years from now. Not even a speck of time in ETERNITY. Surely the echos of what we do on this planet die down a little over the course of FOREVER.