Dumbass Sayings: “All I Want For Christmas Is You”

For some reason the Mariah Carey song “All I Want For Christmas Is You” seems to be growing in popularity with every passing Christmas despite the fact it’s from 1994. I guess it’s the only somewhat modern Christmas song that’s been enjoyed by people so it really gets played a lot these days. The problem is saying “All I want for Christmas is you” is complete bullcrap. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told that by a woman and I figure that gives me a pass on buying a Christmas gift. Not only that, but I assume it means I can take her gifts because she doesn’t really want them as long as I’m there. Well imagine my surprise when they start complaining about how I’m a “cheapskate son of a bitch” who “doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anyone but myself.” Excuse me? I was under the impression that all you wanted for Christmas was ME. Apparently that’s not the case. Oh they might want you, but they also want gifts, not only from you, but from other people too. No one JUST wants a single person and nothing else for Christmas. Even in cases of people who are truly in love, they’re expecting at least some sort of present from someone be it a family member or close friend. It’s Christmas for godsake. If you’re content with merely being in the presence of someone in a blank room on December 25th then that could be a sign of a severely clingy relationship.

You can't ask for people on Christmas. Santa isn't into human trafficking.

Dumbass Sayings: “I Don’t Bite”

If you possess teeth,
you bite.

Sometimes you’ll be talking to someone at a bar and they introduce you to their slutty friend who looks like she’s swarming with every STD known to man and this woman says “Hi… Why don’t you come sit a little closer. I don’t bite.” You don’t bite? That’s very interesting. How do you eat solid foods? I’d love to watch you try to consume an apple if that’s the case. Of course you bite! We just met and already you’re lying to me. Do you think that’s makes me comfortable talking to you knowing you can just blatantly lie like it’s nothing to you? If you ever tell say “I don’t bite” you better not have any teeth. The only place I should be hearing “I don’t bite” is at a retirement home when I’m trying to pickup GGILFs. Yeah that’s right GGILFs. Great Grandmothers I’d Like to Fornicate with. They definitely don’t bite as long as you keep them away from their dentures.