The Top 5 Things You Should NEVER Put on Your Resume

Before you resume writing
your resume, make sure none
of these things are one it.

A lot of people are writing and updating their resumes these days. When you’re fixing a resume up it’s important that you know what’s okay and what’s not okay to write on the paper. Even the slightest mistake can ruin your chances of getting an interview. Here are the top five things you should never put on your resume:

5. Your greatest weakness is writing resumes.

Most times, employers want to know what your greatest weakness is. Even if that weakness is writing resumes, you can’t tell them that because then you have to submit a horrible resume. If you write that you’re bad at resumes and submit the greatest resume in the world, they’ll see that and view you as an untrustworthy liar and you probably won’t get called.

4. You're an unregistered sex offender

Legally you’re supposed to tell an employer if you’re a registered sex offender. If you’re unregistered then first off you need to register yourself. Even then I wouldn’t put that on a resume, registered or unregistered. Just let the employer know toward the end of the interview and you better have a good excuse.

3. Your Xbox gamerscore

You might be really proud about all the achievements you’ve racked up in all your Xbox games, but unless you’re applying for a video game related job you need to keep that shit a secret.

2. That you're a multitasker because you use 2-in-1 shampoo.

Employers usually want people who are great at multitasking. The thing you have to remember about this is using a 2-in-1 shampoo doesn’t count as multitasking. Neither does performing multiple sexual acts at the same time or walking and chewing gum simultaneously.

And the number one thing you should never put on your resume is...

1. References and oral sex available upon request.

Most people write “References available upon request” at the bottom of their resumes. You might think it’d be good to include a little extra information to help put an exclamation mark on your application. While sometimes oral sex can help you get a job that’s something you’re going to have to figure out in the actual interview, and not tip your hand too early by putting it on the resume.

It usually helps to wear clothes to a job interview too.

5 Stupid Resume Mistakes People Make Without Knowing It

It's been years since I've received any calls about the jobs I applied to and I may not know the key to a successful resume, but I have narrowed down some of the definite flaws to a resume. Here are some of the biggest resume mistakes I've been making and I'm pretty sure they're the reason I never get called:


5). Using a ridiculous font. 

Some people think the most important thing about writing a resume is making it noticeable. While it is true that it's tougher than ever to find work and the talent pool companies are sifting through is wide, that's never an excuse to write your resume in Webdings.

4). Making your resume more than one page. 

Most employer selector people don't have the patience to read more than one page of your accomplishments and I know there are several, so the best thing is to just narrow it all down. A few dozen accolades will need to hit the cutting room floor, but it's worth it to be succinct.

3). Listing your work position at Build-A-Bear Workshop as "Fluffer". 

Apparently some managers have a disturbingly extensive knowledge of porn and are familiar with the other meaning of this term.

2). Bragging about high school.

I don't care if you're just out of high school, you have to have some other things to mention on your resume. A prospective employer doesn't care that you did junior varsity cross country for a week or showed your taint to Mrs. James in the middle of English class on the day before Christmas break.

1). Accidentally attaching a nude photo when uploading your resume online.

I can't tell you how many times I've done this in a drunken haze and hit upload before realizing I selected the wrong file the next week. Always remember to keep your resume files in a separate file folder far from your naked pics. It may seem like a silly thing, but it could mean the difference between getting the job and staying unemployed.


For your own sake, I hope you never make any of the same mistakes I have. And if you are currently making any of these mistakes I hope you've caught and corrected it before it's too late.