Ask McFartnuggets: “What’s Less Stupid Looking a Unicycle or a Tricycle?”

Unicycles still have a goofy
stigma attached to them.

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I’ve been thinking about a new way to get to work without a car or bicycle and I don’t want to walk so I guess that leaves me having to choose between a unicycle and a tricycle. I just want to know which one would look the least stupid for me to ride? -- Tabitha from Providence, Rhode Island

Dear Tabitha:

That’s a difficult question. What’s interesting is that unicycles are considered weird and bicycles are normal, cars of course are widely seen as the best form of transportation so you’d think maybe the more wheels you add the better. Then you get the tricycle which ruins that whole theory. There must be some kind of weird phenomenon where society is only accepting of even numbers of wheels. I would have to say tricycles are slightly more uncool because unicyclists can do tricks and do a lot of extreme terrain uncycling. No one has really done that with tricycles yet. The bottom line is that unicycles are generally ridden by adults and tricycles by children. Until that changes, tricycles will be slightly lamer than unicycles.

Ultimately, tricycles are just a little dumber looking.

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The Top 5 Worst Ways To Get To Work

Traffic jams aren't the worst
possibility.

The majority of people in this world drive to work, but is driving the best way to commute? Some methods help save people money on gas and are a lot safer than driving. Then again some are actually much worse than driving. I’ve been looking for other ways to make it to work that don’t involve burning gas and traveling at breakneck speeds and so far I’ve only found methods that don’t work. Rather than throw out the whole study I’ve been doing I’ve decided to share my findings with you here. These are the top 5 worst ways to get to work:

5. Walking

While walking can be a good form of exercise, it just takes way too damn long. If you live a few miles from work you’re going to have to give yourself a few hours to make it in and you’ll likely show up late, sweating profusely which sadly increases your odds of getting fired.

Look at these legged fools wasting their time walking.

4. Razor scooter

Razor scooters may be portable, but that’s about their only strength. They can’t handle very high speeds and it’s insanely difficult to hold onto the back of a truck with one hand and keep the scooter bar straight with your other to achieve proper traveling speeds. Very dangerous.

Is there a pimp cane in that bag, sir?

3. Unicycle

Riding a unicycle might look cool and get the attention of all the ladies on the highway, however having only one wheel hurts your speed. If you do ride a unicycle to work you’re going to need a very large heavy duty wheel and which point the energy needed to ride the unicycle is a little too much for a morning commute.

This is how everyone looks on a unicycle.

2. Heelys

Heelys are basically just fun novelty shoes for kids. It’s very tough to ride them to work. They’re not very stable so you’ll likely fall a few times every time. Also this is not a good way to impress people at work. They see you rolling in on your Heelys with a helmet and give you some serious stares.

Heely accidents almost singlehandedly derailed the women's suffrage movement in America.

And the number one worst way to get to work is…

1. Pogo stick

The problem with pogo sticks is they’re not really made for long distance travel. They’re not a  very efficient form of travel because you launch yourself in the air farther than you launch yourself forward. By the time you get to work you will have bounced several thousand times and this can cause unforeseen gastrointestinal consequences which are not good to have first thing in the morning at work.

This isn't a vehicle, it's a poorly designed mechanical dildo.