Ask McFartnuggets: “Am I Going to Get The Ebola?”

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Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’m hearing on the news that the Ebola is spreading all over the world. I’m getting very scared about this! I don’t want the Ebola! Am I going to get the Ebola? I’m scared! How do I keep the Ebola away? -- Hector from El Paso, Texas

Dear Hector:

Alright, first off it’s just “Ebola” you don’t need to call it THE Ebola. Everyone knows it’s the one and only Ebola. Second, while you are in an area that may soon be threatened by the virus, it hasn’t yet spread to the Americas just yet. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on if you have Ebola), Ebola kills so fast that it isn’t able to travel very far. It’s not yet outside of Africa, but you never know. It could evolve and become airborne any day now so you have to be careful.

Ebola is transmitted through bodily fluids and blood so as long as you stay away from people’s blood, saliva, sweat, poop, and urine you should be fine. I think it’s key to note that it can be transmitted through sweat, so unlike HIV, you shouldn’t play basketball with anyone who has Ebola. If Magic Johnson had Ebola they wouldn’t have let him back in the NBA. It can also be transmitted through primates and fruit bats so try to limit your contact with those animals. If you do meet someone who has Ebola and they die, wear protective gear and bury them as soon as possible to limit the spread of the virus.

The incubation period of Ebola is two to twenty one days. If you start experiencing fever, vomiting, diarrhea, sore throat, aches and pains, headache, rash, hiccups, or bleeding from body openings you should go to the hospital as soon as possible, and try not to sweat on anyone. Even better would be to just isolate yourself in your home alone, but I wouldn’t expect anyone to actually do that. Sure it’d be the right thing to do rather than risk spreading it to others and inadvertently causing a pandemic, but hey I get it, you want to keep living, I GET IT. If you do choose to stay inside just leave a little note that says “I have Ebola, don’t touch anything unless you have gloves on” because the virus can survive outside the body for about five days so if people find you dead and start touching your sweaty sheets they will probably get the virus. It can also live in semen for 61 days. Do with that information what you will. I think you’re going to make it. It’s up to us to make sure this doesn’t spread across the globe. Godspeed, Hector.

Ask your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and watch out for that Ebola!