Dumbass Sayings: “I Can’t Breathe”

Sometimes you’ll be fighting someone in a dark alleyway or making love to someone in a dark alleyway and they’ll scream “I CAN’T BREATHE!” At face value this is a horrible thing to say and if someone said it you would immediately rush to their aid. The only problem is it’s a lie. If you can’t breathe that means you’re getting no oxygen. You need oxygen to say things. The best way to tell if someone can’t breathe is when they can’t speak at all. If you’ve ever been strangling someone you know they can’t even speak. The only thing they can do is maybe muster a gurgle sound before they go unconscious. Now yes there is a moment when you’re being choked or you’re having an allergic reaction where you can still speak for a second as your trachea seizes. If that’s the case then just say “My windpipe is closing!” That’s an accurate statement. There’s no reason to lie to someone and say “I can’t breathe!” It’s basically like saying “I can’t speak.” Do you realize how foolish that sounds? If you can speak, you can breathe. Case closed.

In order for you to scream, these shits need to be working.