The Top 5 Benefits to Being Obese

Is bigger really better?

We all know being obese isn’t a good thing. There are a lot of problems associated with it ranging from heart issues to joint paint to sleep apnea and diabetes. However, as with most things, it’s not ALL bad. There are some benefits to being obese and it’s important to note them. I’m not saying people should be obese, but if they can’t help it due to a glandular issue or the deliciousness of bacon then I’m sure they’re enjoying the following top 5 benefits:

5. You can play your belly like a big bass drum.

If you’ve got an extra 50 or 300 lbs on your body there’s a good chance your belly is like a big ass drum. What’s so great about that? Well you’ve basically got a musical instrument built into your body. That’s amazing when you think about it and if you get good enough it can be a great way to entertain people at parties or on dates.

Why bother paying for a set of drums when you can just use your immense belly?

4. You get more privacy on elevators.

Depending on how big you are you can cut down the number of people traveling with you on an elevator to just one or two. No one likes being on a packed elevator, but having just a couple people on there with you isn’t so bad.

When people see a really fat person on an elevator they always check the weight limit and no one wants to test that.

3. More space for tattoos.

If you’re a fan of tattoos then you’re probably going to want to pack on the pounds for that extra canvas space. Just be careful about losing weight if you’ve got your obese body covered in tats because all that skin will go loose and it’ll be like you have rolled up posters printed on your excess skin that no one can see.

Why do you think Samoans are so big? They love tattoos. It's not a coincidence.

2. It’s harder to slip.

Have you ever seen a really fat person fall down? It rarely happens. You know why that is? Gravity. The more mass you have on the ground the more force is required to move you so if you’re morbidly obese and caught in a hurricane you won’t have as much of a problem moving around as a “healthy” person.

When the obese do fall they fall harder, but they do fall less often. It's academic.

And the number one benefit to being obese is...

1. You can hide things in your fat.

Most people know this and joke about it, but it’s a serious feature of being overweight. If you’re walking around naked with your phone and you need to put the phone away for a second you can just tuck it away in your fat fold and go hands free. It’s more of a convenience thing though, if you try to hide drugs the police dogs will still find it and the cops will probably still run a hand under the fold. But, pens, loose change, candy bars, all nice things to pack away in your blubber fold when your pockets are full. The irony is, being obese, your pants are usually gigantic which means you’ve got massive pockets anyway. I guess that’s one of God’s little jokes.

Being obese is like having a hollowed out book safe except in the crevasses of your blubber.