Ask McFartnuggets: “Is It Weird to Pass Down My Porn Collection in My Will?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Let me start by saying I have an extraordinarily large porn collection, sir. It is vast and thorough ranging from A to Z or Anal to Zoo to be more accurate. Back in my 30’s I had a plan to get rid of it all, but that’s when the internet started getting popular and as you can imagine, things got out of control. Now I possess a collection that is probably worth upwards of $500,000 and I can’t just throw this away. I can’t donate it to charity (they said I couldn’t). I’m getting old, Binkie. It’s come time to write my will and I want to leave as much as I can to my three daughters, my son, and my grandchildren. But is porn okay to put in a will? I’ve been struggling with this. On the one hand it is a magnificent library worth a lot of money. On the other hand, I’ve pleasured myself to it more times that I think even God himself lost count. I’m completely split on this I need some advice please. -- Bernie from Rhode Island

Dear Bernie:

That is quite the conundrum. I think the best thing to do would be to sell as much of the porn as you can right now. If you can, find a pervy family member to help you or hire someone you can trust to go out and sell the porn for you and give them a small percentage of the value. Then just give the rest to homeless people and put the money in your will. You don’t want to give the porn directly to your offspring because that can paint you in a strange light. Maybe they don’t know you have a gigantic porn collection and you don’t want to saddle them with that no matter how much it is worth. If you can’t sell it at all, please just give it to the homeless. Other charities may have turned you down, but a living breathing homeless man will not. He will take it and it’s going to help him out. Giving him a nice porno magazine will help him and the lady he was going to use instead of that magazine later on in the subway. Good luck with everything!

Unless it's vintage pornography that's no longer arousing to anyone these days, like a fully clothed woman riding a giant pig, I wouldn't include it in your will.

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