Ask McFartnuggets: “What’s Better Creamy or Chunky Peanut Butter?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I keep arguing with my wife over what’s better: creamy peanut butter or chunky peanut butter. She says creamy is the best, but I say chunky is. This is threatening to tear our marriage apart. I know it sounds nuts, but we take our peanut butter very seriously here. Obviously we have some other marital issues aside from varieties of nut butter, it’s just that this keeps being an issue of contention. We’re having a great picnic enjoying life then she complains about the chunky peanut butter sandwiches I made and before I know it I’m driving in the car back home alone with her left out there in the park. Anyways, I just want to know once and for all, what kind of peanut butter is better? -- Orville from Memphis, Tennessee

Dear Orville:

Yes this is a conflict that has been fought over for centuries, however I believe it has been fought over needlessly. The biggest thing to note here is that chunky peanut butter has creamy in it. That fact should make it the superior choice by default. Someone who loves creamy peanut butter can hate chunky, but someone who loves chunky can’t claim to hate creamy since 90+% of the chunky peanut butter is creamy. That’d be like saying you love ice cream with sprinkles, but you hate ice cream by itself. That basically makes no sense. If you hated sprinkles for some reason then an ice cream cone covered in them would suck. Now imagine if the sprinkles were interwoven throughout the ice cream and not just on the outside. It’d be damn near inedible. On the other side, I doubt creamy can be inedible to chunky lovers. You might not love it, but you’d make it work. Not to mention sometimes if you don’t chew the chunky peanut butter enough you can get little chunks stuck in the back of your throat like tonsil stones. Who enjoys that feeling? Not me. It’s like a new guy at the peanut butter plant fucked up and turned the peanut butter grinder off early and accidentally created chunky peanut butter. He would have been fired, instead it was crunchy and enjoyable so they gave him a raise. Still, the fact that chunky peanut butter was likely an error makes creamy the clear victor.

Everyone loves some nut cream.

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