Ask McFartnuggets: “When it Rains at a Funeral is That Heaven Crying?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

My great uncle died and when we went to his funeral it was very cloudy and pouring rain. Mama said it was the heavens and all the angels crying for him. Is that true? -- Nicolette from Birmingham, Alabama

Dear Nicolette:

That would be nice to think, but the implications are difficult to grasp. That would mean that whenever it’s perfectly sunny during a funeral the heavens don’t give a rat’s ass. Obviously that can’t be true. No, I’d say weather patterns on earth are fairly indifferent to human funerals. Why would angels cry for someone who just died? If he died then he’s up there in Heaven with them. You can’t cry about someone being dead as they’re knocking on your door to enter the kingdom of paradise… No actually, if the angels and god loved the dead person then the skies would be clear and sunny for the family to enjoy. It would be a happy moment for Heaven and they would be celebrating the newest invitee into their community. So actually, if you believe in Heaven and angels and all that, having it rain during a funeral would be a bad thing. It would mean the Heavens are sad that there’s this guy here now and he’s sort of being a douche. Not saying that about your great uncle, just sayin’. Also, how would angel tears even fall from the sky? That would mean every time it rained it was angel tears. Otherwise the angels would have to cry over a very specific area of the planet, which, from Heaven must be a bit of a challenge. It’d be like dropping tear bombs with pinpoint precision to hit a specific funeral. I don’t really see how that could be the case.

If it rains softball sized hail at your funeral then your family must have done something to piss the heavens off.

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