Dumbass Sayings: “You Can’t Cut The Mustard”

When your boss brings you into his office to have a private chat he says “You’re just not cutting the mustard here. We’re going to have to let you go.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? I’m not cutting the mustard? Okay first of all, no one can cut mustard. That’s like saying “cut the mayonnaise.” You can’t cut a semi liquid condiment. If you go into a deli and say “Yeah lemme get a turkey club sandwich and could you cut the mustard?” They would look at you like you were high, which you are, because you just lost your job and are trying to alleviate the stress and depression of what just happened, but you get my point. Unlike the people at the deli, YOU get the point I’m trying to make, you can’t cut mustard. You can slide a knife through the mustard and sort of leave a slight space between the two, but like Moses parting the Red Sea, it’s only a temporary separation and nothing’s actually CUT. You can’t cut water. You can cut THROUGH water, but you can’t physically cut it. Like the human body, mustard is mostly comprised of water. If you don’t believe me have you seen when you squeeze mustard that’s been sitting for awhile and that mustard piss squirts out? There’s always like a tablespoon worth of that shit every single time. I don’t have hard concrete numbers on mustard’s exact water composition, but I think it’s safe to say there’s a decent amount of water in there. Also, “cut the mustard” sounds like a euphemism for farting. If I had to guess what “cut the mustard” meant I’d assume it meant a mustard gas fart. That’s the obvious meaning and it should be the real meaning. You cut the cheese and you cut the mustard, it’s very simple.

You could cut the bottle, but why would you want to do that?