Mindblowing Classic Toilet Paper Commercial

Here's one of the first truly impressive special effects ever pulled off on a television commercial. Long before E*Trade making a baby appear to be speaking like a 30-year-old dude, Charmin shocked the world by putting a movie inside a newspaper held by a lesbian.

It Costs $20,000 to Amputate a Leg

In the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombing, a lot of victims are facing medical bills that include costs near $20,000 for leg amputation. How can it cost 20,000 dollars to cut off someone's leg? Most serial killers throughout history would do something like that for free. Not only do these victims of the bombing have to deal with the trauma of being attacked for no reason, but they have to decide between keeping their leg and possibly dying or having their leg amputated. Normally having your leg chopped off would be bad enough, but charging anywhere near $20,000 is the literal definition of adding insult to injury.

The victims are receiving donations from good people, but why don't the hospitals just have leg amputations on the house? That would be a great gesture of kindness. I guess since they're a hospital who saves people all the time they have no need to impress people by doing charitable things, that's how they can get away with charging people 20 grand for leg removal. It just doesn't make sense. People were amputating limbs back during the Civil War with hacksaws. I'm sure if you charged folks even a nickle for that they'd want to shit on your face, that's all I'm saying.

Talking Parrot Toilet Paper Commercial

Imagine how blown away the people at home would have been if they could've seen the bird in color. They probably would have shit themselves! Good thing there's Charmin!

Lunatic Hanging Upside Down Holding A Lamp Talking Bollocks

I don't always like to clear my mind and speak on the things and topics that are very relevant and poignant to the people of today, but WHEN I DO I do it upside down in a Batman mask wearing a fisherman's hat holding a lamp wearing Elvis sunglasses.

We Are West, Texas Strong!

With around 35 people dead and hundreds more wounded in the West, Texas Fertilizer Explosion I'm shocked and saddened to see this tragedy getting less attention than the Boston Marathon. Yes the marathon bombing was horrific and the victims deserve your thoughts and prayers, but just from a death toll/wounded standpoint, the fertilizer explosion is a bigger deal. Still, far fewer slogans and catchphrases are coming out of this tragedy. Perhaps it's because it's not obviously an attack by terrorists. Should that matter?



So when people are killed by an act of terrorism it means way more than if someone just blew up by accident in a fertilizer explosion? I don't think so. I don't believe that at all. That may be how other people feel, but keep in mind, by viewing terrorism like that you are only giving more satisfaction and credit to the terrorists. We just want so badly to have an outsider to fight against. Tragic death is tragic death and it doesn't matter how the explosion happened, let's care about the victims not the attackers. So long as we're caring about the victims then this fertilizer plant explosion deserves more attention. That's why I'm using the phrases "We Are West, Texas Strong" and "Pray For West, Texas" as often as I can. And by the way, don't say "Pray For Texas". Texas is too damn big. This happened in a relatively small town so lets not dilute the prayers by spreading them all across the entire state and really focus in here. Don't get lazy.

That Belvita Breakfast Biscuit Golf Commercial

There's a commercial out for the breakfast food "Belvita" that depicts a hyperactive man making an ass out of himself while playing golf. The point of the commercial is to show that BelVita gives you the energy it takes to play GOLF.

Golf? Is that a sport that really requires a lot of energy? You stand in a stationary position, swing a club at a ball and then get in a cart and drive down to where you hit the ball to hit it again with a smaller stick. Is that really that draining? Do people go "Oh GOD I don't know if I can finish this round of golf you guys, I need to sit down and catch my breath! I am SWEATING PROFUSELY HERE!" Even at the highest level of golfing competition, The Masters, a 14-year-old Chinese boy is able to compete with the greatest in the world. That's proof enough that golf isn't really even a sport, much less an activity that requires an abundance of physical energy.

Golf is a game of skill like darts. It's a slightly more complicated version of Croquet. You don't need energy to play darts or croquet. If you want to show your breakfast biscuit giving people meaningful energy show someone eating the crap and then going to play 5-on-5 full court basketball or doing a triathalon. Golf was just the wrong game to choose.

I figure the only reason they did this is they figure the people who are willing to eat BelVita breakfast biscuits in the morning are older people and their game of choice is golf. That's just not a great way to present your product to a mainstream audience because all you did was show how your blueberry biscuits make people into jackasses running around embarrassing themselves in front of their business colleagues on a golf course. Kraft, do yourself a favor and combine BelVita with Velveeta then pay Derek Jeter to be a spokesperson and have a commercial that says "Derek Jeeta puts Velveeta on a BelVita" and watch the money roll in.

The World's Oldest Banned Commercials

Here's a collection I assembled of some of the very first commercials ever banned from the airwaves for being too crude or subversive. Most of this stuff could air these days, but back in black and white times people's buttholes were TIGHT.

Educate Yourself About Diarrhea

In order to clarify a lot of confusion out there I have to state that the medical definition of Diarrhea or "Diarrhoea" is "The passage of THREE or MORE loose stools per DAY". That is what diarrhea is. The majority of people will have a single liquid stool and say something like "OH GAWD! I'VE GOT THE DIARRHEA!" No. Sorry, you don't technically. You need to have the same thing two more times within a 24 hour time period for that to be medically considered Diarrhea.

This is very important to keep in mind as it means Taco Bell might not be responsible for as much Diarrhea as is generally believed. Unless your Cheesy Bean Burrito and Nachos Bell Grande are giving you TRES MIERDAS EN UNO DIA then that's not actual diarrhea. Taco Bell gives people soft, liquid, explosive stools. There is a difference and that needs to be recognized by all for the betterment of our global understanding of Diarrhea.

So the next time I eat too much teriyaki chicken at the galleria food court I don't want someone to scream "EW! YOU DID DIARRHEA IN YOUR PANTS! YOU DIARRHEA'D ON YOURSELF!" Because that is NOT TRUE. That was just the first of three stages. Until those three stages have been completed then I only Loose Stool'ed in my pants so please calm the hell down and get yourself educated.

Banned Glade Air Freshener Commercial

 

Tragically, much of the damage done to this planet's atmosphere occurred in the 50's and 60's when people would spray entire cans of CFC filled aerosol all over their homes and on their lawns for no apparent reason as evidenced in this banned commercial for Glade.

Why Do The Daytime Emmys Exist?

It's almost time for the Daytime Emmy Awards show again, but have you ever wondered why it needs to exist? Why does there need to be a 2nd Emmy television awards show? Could it be because daytime TV sucks and if there was only the one Emmy show that no show that airs between the hours of 8 AM and 5 PM would win anything? Yes. That's exactly why. The Daytime Emmys is just a bunch of overrated entertainers undeservedly praising each other and themselves on TV while winning the equivalent of silver medals. The Latin Grammys seem stupid for the same reason, but at least that's a cultural designation. There's no Morning Grammys for "wake up music".


There's a reason networks never premiere new shows during the day and most channels just air "Full House" re-runs and old movies. No one cares about daytime television! Why not have a Late Night Emmys show too for phone sex, dick pill, and exercise equipment infomercials? Not EVERYONE can win a damn award. Just have one Emmy Awards and force the daytime people to up their games instead of patronizing them with this second tier BS. It's like a version of the National Basketball Association for obese people. These people have a right to do it, but don't expect anyone to be excited about it!

Why is daytime TV so much worse than primetime TV? Is it because everyone's at work so there's less incentive to produce high quality entertainment? Probably. The only reason the Daytime Emmys exist is because of the insane egos of the soap opera folks and big TV stars like Oprah, Ellen, Rosie O' Donnell, Jerry Springer, and Maury. These people couldn't stand not being up for some type of award despite the fact that they wouldn't win anything if they were going up against shows like "Modern Family" and "The Office", and other acclaimed shows. The bottom line is the Daytime Emmys are the epitome of what's wrong with awards shows. There's nothing good on TV during the day and yet these people are getting awards. So basically they're getting awards for sucking and I can't agree with something like that.

Romantic Toilet Paper Commercial From Oldie Times

These people really knew how to put the romance back into the act of wiping your ass with thin paper. If you're like me and your first romance directly had to do with toilet paper then this commercial might make you shit yourself all over again.

Dumbass Sayings: "I Can't Get My Head Around That"

Sometimes when people meet your new girlfriend you overhear them saying "How the hell did that ugly sack of shit land a cool dude like that?! I can't get my head around that!" There's a reason you can't "Wrap your head around it" because that's physically impossible unless you're Gumby or Mr. Fantastic. I don't know if you've realized this, but your head is comprised of dense skull bone, eyeballs, and face meat. That's not exactly what they make rubber bands and slap wristbands out of, for a reason! Of all the things that comprise a human body, your head is probably the least flexible thing that can't wrap around anything. When someone tells me they can't wrap their head around something it makes me want to wrap their head around the nearest telephone pole.

Even if you were trying to say "I can't wrap my mind around that" this statement still doesn't make sense. Who says you have to encircle a concept with your thoughts in order to process it mentally? Your mind isn't a group of covered wagons surrounding a buffalo. When you're trying to understand something all you have to do is think about it rationally and either it makes sense or it doesn't. I'm not trying to wrap my mind around why people say they can't wrap their heads around things, I'm just dissecting it and analyzing the structure of the saying and pointing out that it's ridiculous and people should start wrapping their minds around the shit they say before they start wrapping their heads around what other people are saying.

Three Major Advantages To Growing Out Your Ass Hair

Most people in today's society like to keep their butt hair neatly trimmed and having a long ass mane is frowned upon by civilized society especially for women. However, there are some benefits to growing your asshair out nice and long so you should realize consider these before you take the clippers out tomorrow.


1). Ass hairs can be a great alarm system.

If you flush while you're still sitting because you need to crap more, having long ass hair can help you sense if the toilet water level is rising and about to overflow. Whenever my ass hair is relatively short, by the time I feel the water on my ass it's too late and I have nanoseconds to grab the plunger and pray, but with longer ass hair that can give you a Spidey Sense shock that gives you time to pop up off the seat, move all your things out of the way, get a plunger and try to break up the dookie plug.


2). You can style long butthair.

When you're out on a beach wearing a thong or something revealing it's always nice to be able to braid the hair coming out of your butt like a tail. That's always a nice way to grab people's attention and make sure you're the number one attraction on the whole damn boardwalk.


3). Long ass hair can be a tool.

If you're ever in a situation where you need to grab someone's hand while they're falling off a bridge it helps to have something extra anchoring you so you don't fall over too. Usually you won't have time to tie your own asshair around a pole, but a bystander can pull your pants down and tie a bow for you while you grab the falling person. Make no mistake, it will be painful, but you're trying to save a life here as well as your own and a butthair lasso goes a long way to making that a possibility.

Remember, trimming your asshair can be a very dangerous activity if you're not using an electric shaver so that's just an added reason to let it grow. Good luck!

Why Doesn't Santa Make Every Day Christmas?

We all love Santa Claus. He's a swell fella. He uses magic and dwarf labor to make and deliver toys to children all over the world. Christmastime is one of the most joyous times of the year where everyone gets together and decides to show goodwill and charity to the less fortunate. The thing is, we all know Santa uses magic to travel around and get into people's houses. That means he's a wizard of some sort and could conceivably make every single day Christmas if he wanted to. Even if the government didn't acknowledge every day as Christmas, he could still show up and give people gifts. Maybe instead of giving toys he could just bring people food, especially for low-income families and starving people. You know Santa has the ability to do it, the question is why won't he?

Christmas is Jesus' B-day so is it possible that Santa uses Jesus magic to do all his Christmas stuff and there's only enough for one day a year? I highly doubt that. If it's Jesus magic there should be enough power to last more than one day. I'm sure Jesus wouldn't have a problem with bringing holiday cheer to the world on more than just one day.

I'm not trying to take the one day he does do this for granted, but even two Christmases would be nice. A Summer Christmas where he brings food to people in ghettos would be pretty nice I mean what else is he doing that's so damn important? I'm sure he's banging Mrs. Claus and preparing his list for December 25th, but if there's time to get to every Christian house in the world in one night then surely there's time to fit in another Christmas. Come on, Santa! What's the deal, bro?

Dumbass Sayings: "You Do The Math!"

I don't like when people tell me to "Do the math". I graduated school, I don't have to do math anymore. People only say this when there's no need to do any math like: "I had diarrhea 9 times last week and only bought 3 rolls of toilet paper, you do the math!". People will say "You do the math" even when they're referring to something that doesn't even deal with math like:


"Hey where'd Frank go?"

"He brought two hookers up to his hotel room with a bottle of lube, a tub of Philadelphia cream cheese, and a department store mannequin... You do the math!"


What math is there to do? One dick plus two vaginas, lube, cheese, a plastic human divided by dignity? And why does that phrase only apply to mathematics. You would never say something like "That lemur tried mating with a skunk, you do the zoology and genetics..." When you actually cite the appropriate methods it sounds worse.  That's a major sign of a dumbass saying.