Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do We Get Diarrhea When We Feel Nervous?”

Always remember to rehydrate often
when experiencing diarrhea.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

How come whenever I get really nervous my stomach liquefies all my poopies and make me go diarrhea? Do the butterflies in my stomach make liquid caca in there? How do they do it? Why does this always happen every time I’m stressed out at work? -- Katie from Boston

Dear Katie:

When you’re nervous that’s the fight or flight response being involuntarily triggered in your brain. Humans have had this in their brains since caveman times and it helps us survive. When cavemen were faced with a woolly mammoth they would get nervous and have diarrhea. The thing is back then they could have diarrhea wherever they wanted, it’s not like today where you can’t just pull your pants down and spray shit all over the walls at work. The diarrhea is a self defense mechanism. Spraying diarrhea at a predator can disorient them and even blind them. You know how a squid squirts ink at predators? Same thing. You’re supposed to spray a cloud of diarrhea in someone’s face and escape in the chaos. That’s nature’s way.

E-mail your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and happy diarrhea!

Educate Yourself About Diarrhea

In order to clarify a lot of confusion out there I have to state that the medical definition of Diarrhea or "Diarrhoea" is "The passage of THREE or MORE loose stools per DAY". That is what diarrhea is. The majority of people will have a single liquid stool and say something like "OH GAWD! I'VE GOT THE DIARRHEA!" No. Sorry, you don't technically. You need to have the same thing two more times within a 24 hour time period for that to be medically considered Diarrhea.

This is very important to keep in mind as it means Taco Bell might not be responsible for as much Diarrhea as is generally believed. Unless your Cheesy Bean Burrito and Nachos Bell Grande are giving you TRES MIERDAS EN UNO DIA then that's not actual diarrhea. Taco Bell gives people soft, liquid, explosive stools. There is a difference and that needs to be recognized by all for the betterment of our global understanding of Diarrhea.

So the next time I eat too much teriyaki chicken at the galleria food court I don't want someone to scream "EW! YOU DID DIARRHEA IN YOUR PANTS! YOU DIARRHEA'D ON YOURSELF!" Because that is NOT TRUE. That was just the first of three stages. Until those three stages have been completed then I only Loose Stool'ed in my pants so please calm the hell down and get yourself educated.