The Top Five Signs Your Ass Hair is Too Damn Long

Long ass hair can
be a hazard.

Ass hair is one of the most neglected types of hair on the human body. We trim pretty much every other type of hair except the hair growing around our buttholes. This is of course for a good reason, it’s very dangerous to have scissors that close to your B hole especially when you’re bent over in front of a mirror and everything is backwards, plus let’s face it, you’re probably drunk. Serious medical emergencies can ensue. Unfortunately for some of us, trimming and grooming ass hair is a necessity of life. To figure out if it’s a necessity you’ve been neglecting you need to look for the signs that you arse hair is growing unruly. Here are the top five signs your ass hair is growing too long:

5. You can braid it

If you’ve got enough ass hair that you can easily braid it or have one of your girlfriends braid it then it’s too long and you really need to consider giving that bearded starfish a trim.

4. It trails behind you in a swimming pool

If when you go swimming children point and scream “BIGFOOT IS COMING OUT OF THAT MAN’S BOOTY!” You need an ass hair trim ASAP.

3. You have to bind it with a broccoli rubber band

If your ass hair is so dense and long that you need to keep it tied together with the same thickness of rubber band that mobsters use to hold their cash then you need an ass haircut.

2. Sometimes people walking behind you step on it

When you have people behind you accidentally step on your ass hair like a flat tire with shoes then you know two things: True pain and that you need a trip to the anus barber immediately.

and the number one way you can tell your ass hair is way too damn long is…

1. You get it caught in escalators

The greatest warning sign of excessively long ass hair is when you get it caught in an escalator. That’s the only intervention anyone will ever need. You don’t need friends and family gathering around to tell you that you have a problem, it’s blatantly evident to everyone in the mall and you.

Getting your ass hair caught in an escalator is a terrible way to die.

Three Major Advantages To Growing Out Your Ass Hair

Most people in today's society like to keep their butt hair neatly trimmed and having a long ass mane is frowned upon by civilized society especially for women. However, there are some benefits to growing your asshair out nice and long so you should realize consider these before you take the clippers out tomorrow.


1). Ass hairs can be a great alarm system.

If you flush while you're still sitting because you need to crap more, having long ass hair can help you sense if the toilet water level is rising and about to overflow. Whenever my ass hair is relatively short, by the time I feel the water on my ass it's too late and I have nanoseconds to grab the plunger and pray, but with longer ass hair that can give you a Spidey Sense shock that gives you time to pop up off the seat, move all your things out of the way, get a plunger and try to break up the dookie plug.


2). You can style long butthair.

When you're out on a beach wearing a thong or something revealing it's always nice to be able to braid the hair coming out of your butt like a tail. That's always a nice way to grab people's attention and make sure you're the number one attraction on the whole damn boardwalk.


3). Long ass hair can be a tool.

If you're ever in a situation where you need to grab someone's hand while they're falling off a bridge it helps to have something extra anchoring you so you don't fall over too. Usually you won't have time to tie your own asshair around a pole, but a bystander can pull your pants down and tie a bow for you while you grab the falling person. Make no mistake, it will be painful, but you're trying to save a life here as well as your own and a butthair lasso goes a long way to making that a possibility.

Remember, trimming your asshair can be a very dangerous activity if you're not using an electric shaver so that's just an added reason to let it grow. Good luck!

How To Shave Your Butt Hair Without Accidentally Killing Yourself

There are a lot of online tutorials about how to shave your nutsack hair or your vagina, but nearly no step by step tutorials on how to shave the hair inside your ass. Now shaving your ass hair is a lot like putting a Hot Pocket in a conventional oven, it's not the proper way to do things and it's going to feel very odd, but not everyone has a Brazilian waxing kit at home.

- The first key is to have your cheeks spread as far apart as you can. I like to use duct tape. Coat each cheek individually with tape and then stretch the tape back around to your crotch so the tension keeps the buttcheeks pulled apart.

- Apply hot lather. You have to make sure that lather is HOT and yes it will burn for awhile, but not nearly as much as it will burn if you use cold to lukewarm lather.

- Use short quick strokes going WITH THE GRAIN. I cannot stress this enough. There is literally nothing worse in the world than a bush of ingrown anus hairs, I'm including genocide in this.

- It's also very important to be surehanded. Do not do this if you've just drank too much coffee or if you're a little drunk. I know it's difficult because the only time you ever think to shave your ass is when you're drunk, but you really don't want to mess up and circumcise your own pooper.

- My last tip is to use a decent razor. Do not go cheap on this! Some people think they can run a disposable single blade Bic across their shithole and have that be okay, it's not. You're gonna want to go Shick Quattro on that bitch all the way or you MAY live to regret it. I use an ancient Mayan gardening trowel but that's because I'm a trained expert.