Ask McFartnuggets: "My Ass Hair is Going Grey!" and "How Much Should You Tip a Birthday Clown?"

Dear McFartnuggets: Okay so I was bending over in front of my bedroom mirror last night looking at my butthole from in between my legs like I do every Saturday night, except this time I noticed a silver hair in my butt! A SILVER HAIR! I thought it was a mistake, maybe I sat on my grandmother's hairbrush by accident when I was drunk or something, but then I looked closer with a magnifying glass and saw another and it was tethered to my buttskin! The thing is, I don't have silver or grey hairs anywhere else on my body or head. What is the meaning of this? -- Clarissa in Utah

Dear Clarissa: That is odd indeed, however totally explainable. You see, grey hairs appear when there's a lot of stress. Because you don't have grey hairs anywhere else I would assume you've been experiencing localized stress. Have you been straining on the toilet lately? I would bet my bottom dollar you've been suffering from diarrhea lately, perhaps you have a gluten allergy or an irritable bowel and that's putting a lot of pressure on your human seat cushion. If it's not that then it might be something more personal. I don't want to embarrass you, but if you're making bedroom relationship romances through the exit terminal, that could be another potential cause. I suppose it's up to you whether you want to cease that activity or not, but just know that it could be the cause and can eventually lead to other medical conditions including, but not limited to rectal scarring, anal fissures, and colon cancer. In the meantime I would suggest applying some "Just for Men" gel to your affected area and see how htat goes. Try a small section first, maybe even just one hair, you wouldn't want to risk a big allergic reaction down there. Thanks for the question!


Dear McFartnuggets: My wife and I have hired a birthday clown for our son Irwin's 5th birthday spectacular next week. So far everything's planned out to the tea except we're not sure about how much gratuity to pay to a clown. You seem like you would be knowledgeable in this field so what's your advice. -- Janet from Orlando

Dear Janet: How wise of you and your wife to choose a birthday clown. They truly are one of the last true artists of entertainment. As far as tipping them goes, I have never tipped them cash UNLESS they have also thrown in some personal favors for me which I will not discuss here. I usually pay them their flat rate then allow them access to an open bar. That usually works out for the best because nothing makes a child's face light up like seeing a clown completely shitfaced. She's stumbling around doing sloppy cartwheels, smashing into things, and everyone's having a blast. The key to keeping a clown under control is to limit their cerebral abilities. Everyone knows clowns are a very calculating, dangerous group of people if they have their wits about them so if you're able to keep them drunk then they're less likely to attempt concerted acts of mischief. I would not suggest you give them any Meth though. Nothing's worse than a clown with Meth mouth.

Here's one that might work solely for alcohol!

Send all preguntas y questioneses to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and keep an eye out for grey butthairs.

How To Shave Your Butt Hair Without Accidentally Killing Yourself

There are a lot of online tutorials about how to shave your nutsack hair or your vagina, but nearly no step by step tutorials on how to shave the hair inside your ass. Now shaving your ass hair is a lot like putting a Hot Pocket in a conventional oven, it's not the proper way to do things and it's going to feel very odd, but not everyone has a Brazilian waxing kit at home.

- The first key is to have your cheeks spread as far apart as you can. I like to use duct tape. Coat each cheek individually with tape and then stretch the tape back around to your crotch so the tension keeps the buttcheeks pulled apart.

- Apply hot lather. You have to make sure that lather is HOT and yes it will burn for awhile, but not nearly as much as it will burn if you use cold to lukewarm lather.

- Use short quick strokes going WITH THE GRAIN. I cannot stress this enough. There is literally nothing worse in the world than a bush of ingrown anus hairs, I'm including genocide in this.

- It's also very important to be surehanded. Do not do this if you've just drank too much coffee or if you're a little drunk. I know it's difficult because the only time you ever think to shave your ass is when you're drunk, but you really don't want to mess up and circumcise your own pooper.

- My last tip is to use a decent razor. Do not go cheap on this! Some people think they can run a disposable single blade Bic across their shithole and have that be okay, it's not. You're gonna want to go Shick Quattro on that bitch all the way or you MAY live to regret it. I use an ancient Mayan gardening trowel but that's because I'm a trained expert.