The Top Five Signs Your Ass Hair is Too Damn Long

Long ass hair can
be a hazard.

Ass hair is one of the most neglected types of hair on the human body. We trim pretty much every other type of hair except the hair growing around our buttholes. This is of course for a good reason, it’s very dangerous to have scissors that close to your B hole especially when you’re bent over in front of a mirror and everything is backwards, plus let’s face it, you’re probably drunk. Serious medical emergencies can ensue. Unfortunately for some of us, trimming and grooming ass hair is a necessity of life. To figure out if it’s a necessity you’ve been neglecting you need to look for the signs that you arse hair is growing unruly. Here are the top five signs your ass hair is growing too long:

5. You can braid it

If you’ve got enough ass hair that you can easily braid it or have one of your girlfriends braid it then it’s too long and you really need to consider giving that bearded starfish a trim.

4. It trails behind you in a swimming pool

If when you go swimming children point and scream “BIGFOOT IS COMING OUT OF THAT MAN’S BOOTY!” You need an ass hair trim ASAP.

3. You have to bind it with a broccoli rubber band

If your ass hair is so dense and long that you need to keep it tied together with the same thickness of rubber band that mobsters use to hold their cash then you need an ass haircut.

2. Sometimes people walking behind you step on it

When you have people behind you accidentally step on your ass hair like a flat tire with shoes then you know two things: True pain and that you need a trip to the anus barber immediately.

and the number one way you can tell your ass hair is way too damn long is…

1. You get it caught in escalators

The greatest warning sign of excessively long ass hair is when you get it caught in an escalator. That’s the only intervention anyone will ever need. You don’t need friends and family gathering around to tell you that you have a problem, it’s blatantly evident to everyone in the mall and you.

Getting your ass hair caught in an escalator is a terrible way to die.