Ask McFartnuggets: “What is the Evolutionary Purpose of Ass Hair?”

The answer might be right
under your asshole.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
While I was just laying in bed relaxing, twirling my ass hair around on my finger the other day I got to thinking “What is the evolutionary purpose for ass hair?” Why do we even have it? It’s more of a nuisance than anything. Most of the time it just serves as velcro to toilet paper to stick to when I’m wiping my ass. Now what could possibly be the benefit to that? -- Sheryl from Boise, Idaho

Dear Sheryl:
This is a question that always baffles doctors and scientists when I ask them. Then I’m removed from the premises. I have a feeling they don’t really know. No one knows for sure. All we can do is guess about this physical mystery. My best guess is that it provides a layer of cushioning when we sit down. As humans evolved we didn’t have pants and underwear so we had to make underwear out of leaves which basically served as pants and our ass hair was our natural underwear. If you had to sit on a cold rock would you rather have a fully waxed butthole or have a thick mane of curly cushion velcro hair there to provide insulation? Think about it.  Also, it’s not a bad way to ward off predators.

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