Ask McFartnuggets: “Are Rollerblades Cool or Not?”

Would someone "cool" use
these to get to work?
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Are rollerblades cool or not? Whenever I see someone with them on I think “Oh, that’s cool,” but then I watch for awhile and think “No, wait nevermind.” -- Iris from Chappaquiddick, Massachusetts

Dear Iris:
Inline skates are one of the more interesting human transportation methods ever invented. They are kind of cool in design and theory, but the motion that you use to propel yourself on rollerblades looks weird which makes it seem stupid or lame. It’s basically the same motion that you use for ice skating. Ice skating is cool when hockey players are doing it, but when figure skaters are doing it, not so much.

It all depends who the rollerblades are on. If you see a teenage "aggressive inline skater" wearing them then they’re considered “sick” or “gnarly” but a grown man with rollerblades is just awkward. You wonder what happened in his life that he can’t afford a car or even a bicycle. Another factor in the coolness, or lack thereof when it comes to rollerblades is that it’s really difficult to look tough on rollerblades. No one’s ever seen a man on skates and thought “I better watch myself around that guy, he could kick my ass.” No one has ever said that about anyone on rollerblades. Clint Eastwood would never have worn rollerblades. In that way, rollerblades don’t necessarily jibe with the male idea of cool. Women might see things differently, but I do know that whenever I’m out with my rollerblades on I never get laid. You could say it depends on who’s wearing the rollerblades, but really, who wears rollerblades if their goal is to get laid? Basically no one. With that said, rollerblades are at the moment in time approximately 22% "rad", 78% "bogus."

Send your questions to me at PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and I’ll try to answer them as soon as I can.

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