|You shouldn't be holding candles to|
anything unless you're a pyromaniac.
And even then, no.
When people are comparing two things sometimes they’ll say one of the things “Can’t hold a candle” to the other. For example someone might say: “Hanukkah can’t hold a candle to Christmas.” What the hell is this business of holding candles up to things? First off, that’s a fire hazard. I would not recommend holding candles up to things when comparing old sofas or different brands of gasoline. Mobil might not hold a candle to Shell, but that’s a for a good reason. If it did everyone in the local vicinity would be dead.
Even if masturbation doesn’t hold a candle to actual live human intercourse, that doesn’t matter. I’m still going to do it. Who holds candles up to anything these days? The Amish? Let me tell you something, the Amish don’t hold a candle to modern technology. This saying needs an update. From now on when you compare two things and one isn’t nearly as good as the other you should say “Item A doesn’t hold an iPhone flashlight app to Item B.” Sounds pretty dumb when you put it in modern terms doesn’t it?