The Top 5 Worst Halloween Costumes For 2014

Whatever you do, don't go
as a Conehead ghost.

When it comes to picking a cool Halloween costume most people look to the news headlines and what’s trending. If you want to be on the cutting edge of Halloween costume trendiness in 2014 there are certain pitfalls you need to be careful to avoid. Here are the top 5 worst Halloween costumes for 2014:

5. Ray Rice

Now some people will argue that because Ray Rice is a monster, you should want to dress up like him on Halloween. I mean if people dress as Jason and Freddy Krueger, why not Ray Rice? While it may be true that Ray Rice is capable of being a monster, he’s not on the level of Jason or Freddy. Also, there are different rules for real life monsters. You rarely see people dressing up as Hitler and Pol Pot.

The only black eyes you should see on Halloween are on people with skeleton facepaint.

4. Homeless person

The homeless person is always a popular Halloween costume because it basically requires zero effort. The problem is that it’s just really offensive and insensitive. There’s a reason you rarely see women dressed as homeless people. Women are more empathetic toward that kind of stuff. Even if they did they’d be a slutty homeless which is slightly better. If you’re going to be a caricature of someone without a place to sleep at night why not go the extra mile and be a homeless veteran! Oh I guess you’d draw the line there wouldn’t you!

You're trying to get candy, not spare change.

3. Adrian Peterson

Adrian Peterson is a little higher on this board than Ray Rice simply for the fact that he beats children and Halloween is technically a children’s holiday. Trust me, the last thing a kid wants to see when that door opens while their trick or treating is Adrian Peterson. Sure he only beats his own kids, but lord knows how many that is.

Defenses aren't the only thing he whips.

2. An Isis

Again, on the subject of monsters and demons and other evil beings, you’d think Isis would be a great costume. But as I mentioned before, you rarely see people going to Halloween parties as Osama Bin Laden or Khalid Sheik Mohammed. Even though you could probably draw a perfect replica of their flag on a piece of paper with a sharpie, just don’t. Don’t be an Isis.

Normally beheadings and Halloween go hand in hand, but not this time.

And the number one worst Halloween costume choice of 2014 is...

1. Ebola patient

Halloween is all about being scary and what’s scarier than an Ebola patient? Well that sounds like a great idea until you’re actually at the Halloween party bobbing for apples and fake coughing all over people. Some people actually support the euthanization of Ebola patients along with their immediate incineration to prevent the spread of the virus. Even though that’s not likely to happen to you in America, you don’t want to take any unnecessary chances because this is a different America where pretty much anything can happen.

The TRICK this year might be coming down with Ebola.

The Top 5 Least Sexy “Slutty” Female Halloween Costumes

Halloween would be entirely a child’s holiday if it wasn’t for women dressing in their slutty Halloween costumes. There’s a “slutty” version of nearly every conceivable Halloween costume around like “Slutty clown”, “Slutty Zombie”, “Slutty Pinocchio” and even “Slutty George W. Bush” but there are some slutty costumes that just don’t work. Here are the top 5 least sexy slutty female Halloween costumes:

5. Slutty Swamp Thing

Swamp Thing was a popular character in the 1980’s, but no one really considered it sexually provocative. Dressing up like a creature that emerges from a lagoon comprised of vegetable matter is not very attractive.

Swamps are breeding grounds for bacterium and parasites. Not exactly the best association to make for your feminine parts.

4. Slutty Michael Vick

A few years ago everyone was going as Michael Vick for Halloween because he was infamous for killing dogs which I guess is pretty scary. While it might be scary it damn sure isn’t sexy. I don’t care if you are a “Crazy cat lady” that doesn’t make it right to dress up like a slutty dog killer.

No, not that kind of dogfighting!

3. Slutty Jesus

Jesus is a pretty popular guy, but he’s also a holy figure in one of the biggest religions on Earth. Dressing as a slutty version of Jesus is going to be highly controversial and odds are not many will consider it sexy especially if you’ve added stigmata.

A Slutty Judas might be okay, but not slutty Jesus.

2. Slutty Stephen Hawking

Some people say intelligence is sexy. Unfortunately when it’s in a wheelchair with its head lulled to the side that’s not the sexiest thing in the world nor should it be. Why reward someone for doing this? I would recommend against this costume because there’s a good chance not everyone will know you’re Slutty Stephen Hawking and they might get offended that you’re mocking the handicapped.

Overall, a slutty Stephen Hawking costume is a very expensive way to offend people especially if you opt for the voice technology.

1. Slutty Freddy Krueger

Normally people want to look hot in a slutty costume, but Freddy Krueger is a little TOO HOT. No one needs to see a lady with burnt tits and knife fingers in a goofy sweater.

It's very difficult to look sexy in a fedora.