The Top 10 Weirdest/Worst Songs To Masturbate To

A while back I did a list of the top ten best songs to masturbate to and a lot of people asked me to do a worst songs list so here it is. Here are the top 10 songs you never want to be playing in the background when you’re caught masturbating because it’s just too strange and makes the situation even more awkward than it has to be:

10. “The Greatest Love of All” by Whitney Houston

This is a beautiful song that really doesn’t go well with “spanking the ferret.”

9. “Amish Paradise” by Weird Al Yankovic

This is a funny song and it’s difficult to “grill the swordfish” and laugh at the same time and when you do most people assume you’re psychotic.

8. The Undertaker’s Entrance Theme

This is just a creepy song so it’s definitely not something you want playing in the background when your grandmother walks in on you watching “romantic movies”.

7. “Great Balls of Fire” by Jerry Lee Lewis

Just because your balls might be on fire doesn’t mean this is a suitable song to be “fondling the enchilada” to.

6. “The Big Bad Beetleborgs” Theme

This is a goofy ass song that just doesn’t fit the mood of romance so it creates an awkward dichotomy for the person who sees you “giving a deep tissue massage to the naked mouse fetus.”

5. “Crossroads” by Bone Thugs N Harmony

Just like the Undertaker song, it’s never a good idea to mix the idea of death with “paddling the turkey waddle.”

4. The “Pokemon” Theme

Here’s a tip, if you “want to be the very best like no one ever was,” stop “filleting the flounder” to cartoon theme songs.

3. The Munchkin Land Song from “The Wizard of Oz”

I don’t care if you’re watching midget porn, you don’t have this song playing in the background while you’re “shellacking the shillelagh.”

2. The Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Theme

The tempo of the song is great for a good workout, but when someone walks in on you and sees you “battering the popcorn shrimp” with this song playing that’s something not even Fonzie could recover from in a cool way.

and the number one worst song to masturbate to is…

1. “Hurt” by Johnny Cash

Not only is this a creepy song to “smack the penguin” to, but it’s just damn disrespectful and rude. This was Johnny Cash’s last hit before he died so show some respect damnit.

I shouldn’t have to explain to you in depth why each of these songs is weird to have playing in the background when you get caught masturbating. I personally don’t want to relive all that trauma, but I made this list to help people. You might think “Oh I’m never going to get caught! That’s something that only happens to other people.” Yeah that’s what I thought and look what happened. Avoid these songs when you’re relieving yourself, that’s all I have to say.

The 5 Worst Musical Instruments To Play Before And During Romance

When you think of what musical instruments are typically associated with human intercourse you think of the electric bass guitar, the saxophone, and maybe even the drums. However, not all instruments are a suitable mix for romance. Here are the top 5 musical instruments you never want to play before or during romance:

5. Banjo

Banjo music will always be associated with the film “Deliverance” and inbred country freaks who force grown men to squeal like pigs in their underwear. As long as that’s true it’s best to leave the banjo out of your romantic life.

What works for Steve Martin doesn't work for most people.

4. Accordion

Accordions are a bulky instrument that play wacky polka music. Polka isn’t the best accompaniment for intercourse. I mean I enjoy it, but most women get really freaked out by it for some reason.

Musical instrument or box with a live animal inside?

3. Harmonica

Some women have been known to be able to play a harmonica with their vaginas, but the music still isn’t that great. Now if a vagina could play a harmonica like Blues Traveler or Bob Dylan then that’d be something else.

You'd think that blowing a mouth organ would be conducive to romance, but you'd be wrong.

2. Tuba

Even though a lot of women seem to think size matters in the bedroom that doesn’t mean the enormous tuba has any place there. What are some good tuba songs anyway? No one gets turned on by tuba music.

Not the best people to have in the room while you're making love.

1. Bagpipes

Bagpipes are typically reserved for funeral music these days. If there’s one thing you don’t want your date to end up resembling it’s a funeral. Some people compare the sound of bagpipes to murdering a cat. That’s definitely not the sound you want people thinking is coming from your bedroom during intercourse.

Early bagpipes were made out of ox and seal stomachs which are things you should never have involved in your romantic life.