A while back I did a list of the top ten best songs to masturbate to and a lot of people asked me to do a worst songs list so here it is. Here are the top 10 songs you never want to be playing in the background when you’re caught masturbating because it’s just too strange and makes the situation even more awkward than it has to be:
10. “The Greatest Love of All” by Whitney Houston
This is a beautiful song that really doesn’t go well with “spanking the ferret.”
9. “Amish Paradise” by Weird Al Yankovic
This is a funny song and it’s difficult to “grill the swordfish” and laugh at the same time and when you do most people assume you’re psychotic.
8. The Undertaker’s Entrance Theme
This is just a creepy song so it’s definitely not something you want playing in the background when your grandmother walks in on you watching “romantic movies”.
7. “Great Balls of Fire” by Jerry Lee Lewis
Just because your balls might be on fire doesn’t mean this is a suitable song to be “fondling the enchilada” to.
6. “The Big Bad Beetleborgs” Theme
This is a goofy ass song that just doesn’t fit the mood of romance so it creates an awkward dichotomy for the person who sees you “giving a deep tissue massage to the naked mouse fetus.”
5. “Crossroads” by Bone Thugs N Harmony
Just like the Undertaker song, it’s never a good idea to mix the idea of death with “paddling the turkey waddle.”
4. The “Pokemon” Theme
Here’s a tip, if you “want to be the very best like no one ever was,” stop “filleting the flounder” to cartoon theme songs.
3. The Munchkin Land Song from “The Wizard of Oz”
I don’t care if you’re watching midget porn, you don’t have this song playing in the background while you’re “shellacking the shillelagh.”
2. The Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Theme
The tempo of the song is great for a good workout, but when someone walks in on you and sees you “battering the popcorn shrimp” with this song playing that’s something not even Fonzie could recover from in a cool way.
and the number one worst song to masturbate to is…
1. “Hurt” by Johnny Cash
Not only is this a creepy song to “smack the penguin” to, but it’s just damn disrespectful and rude. This was Johnny Cash’s last hit before he died so show some respect damnit.
I shouldn’t have to explain to you in depth why each of these songs is weird to have playing in the background when you get caught masturbating. I personally don’t want to relive all that trauma, but I made this list to help people. You might think “Oh I’m never going to get caught! That’s something that only happens to other people.” Yeah that’s what I thought and look what happened. Avoid these songs when you’re relieving yourself, that’s all I have to say.