Ask McFartnuggets: “What’s The Best Way To Mask The Smell of Alcohol During A Job Interview?”

Mmm...
interview juice.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’m on the job hunt and whenever I get a job interview I need to drink a few alcoholic beverages before to loosen me up so I’m not nervous. The problem is I haven’t gotten calls back from my last eight interviews. I have a feeling the interviewers can smell the whiskey on my breath. I’m not certain about that though. I wish they would just tell me if they smell something, but they never do. What are some things I can do to mask the smell of alcohol during a job interview? -- Lauren from Dallas

Dear Lauren:

First of all it’s unfortunate that you need to get plastered on the ol’ silly juice in order to get through a job interview. You may want to see if you can get some anti-anxiety medication from a doctor or something, but I’m not here to tell you how to change your life. You asked me a question about masking alcohol so I’ll tell you. One of the best ways is to take an entire box of Altoids preferably spearmint and dump all the mints into your mouth. I’m not going to lie, it’s going to be uncomfortable. CURIOUSLY UNCOMFORTABLE. Just hold those in your mouth for about a minute and swallow some of the juices then spit them all out (Spit them into a garbage can not just on the floor of where you’re waiting to be called in for the interview. I know this should go without saying, but if you’re drunk it’s important to keep in mind). If you make the mistake of eating them all you will get horrible diarrhea and that’s even more of an interview killer than the smell of alcohol on your breath. Once you’ve spit the Altoids out your breath may still smell like alcohol, but it’s minty alcohol so people will usually just assume you went a little heavy on the Listerine. Good luck on the job search!

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