Dumbass Sayings: “You’re Fired”

You can't fire someone and
expect them not to make
a little noise.

Sometimes when your boss catches you masturbating in the broom closet she’ll say “You’re fired!” What is that supposed to mean? I’m FIRED? I’m not fired, I’ve just lost my job here. How can you be fired from a job? Is a job a cannon? If you’re being fired from something you don’t need to be told, it’s an experience that would be obvious. Bosses just like saying this to exaggerate their power. They want to feel like they’re flinging someone in a giant catapult hundreds of yards into a brick wall when really if anything, you’re being flung into a better opportunity. If you work for the type of person who would say “You’re fired!” instead of “Sadly, we have to let you go” then you should start jacking in a broom closet while you’re on the clock because that person is clearly an asshole. In the words of Marilyn Monroe, if you can’t handle me when I’m masturbating in a broom closet then you damn sure don’t deserve me at my best!