Ask McFartnuggets: "Where Do Farts Go?" and "How Should I Quit My Job?"

Dear McFartnuggets: How come no matter how stinky I make a fart it always disappears? It will smell like Hell for a few seconds then it just goes away? -- Marlon from Madison, WI

Dear Marlon: In order for something to "disappear" you would first need to be able to see it. I sincerely hope your farts aren't visible, that would be medical first. To answer your question, ghosts eat them. Not many people know this, but ghosts eat farts to survive. So when you fart ghosts come flying over like Great White Sharks to a wounded seal. The ghosts gobble up the farts and convert them to oxygen kind of like how trees convert carbon dioxide to oxygen. That's why you can't smell them after awhile.


Dear McFartnuggets: Two weeks ago I gave my two week notice and my last day is tomorrow. I really hate this job and have wanted to stick it to everyone there for years now. What are some good ways to quit? -- Shem from Winterdick, Indiana

Dear Shem: Fortunately, you did the two week notice so now you're free to leave however you want. You were good enough to give them the extra time to find a replacement so now you can do something crazy that they'll never forget. What I would suggest doing is go into work on your last day wearing an American flag thong with a big stereo playing the Hulk Hogan theme song and go around clotheslining everyone in sight. It's okay because you gave your 2 week notice. If you didn't then something like that would be considered illegal, but if you've given them the warning and they let it happen then that's on them. Or there's always the classic move of taking a shit on your boss' desk and making out with the oldest person there. Whichever method of quitting you choose you'll be a winner. In fact, I'm surprised Pope Benedict didn't do these. That would have really got people talking.

Just don't quit like a postal worker.

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What is the Best Way to Quit a Job?

Some people tend to think the best way to quit a job is to write a letter of resignation and give two weeks notice, but that's a lot of bull crap. You're hopefully never going to see these people again so why waste even more of your time for them? My favorite way to quit a job has and always will be to bring in a giant boom box stereo and play the Hulk Hogan theme song while running around clotheslining everyone. Then when security guards try to taser me I start shaking my head and going crazy then I point at them, slam them down and give them a giant leg drop. Usually the leg drop ends up hurting me more than it hurts them because my raw ass lands directly on the ground, but it's a nice spectacle for the crowd watching. That's what quitting is all about, the crowd. You don't get many opportunities in corporate America to be free and express yourself, the one chance you have is when you quit or are fired. I'm not saying hurt anyone, but you have to go out with some balls. A true boss  will respect that more than a pussy ass letter of resignation.