Dumbass Sayings: “I’d Rather Sleep With a Dog Than You”

Sometimes you’re chatting up a lady at the discotheque and she says “I’d rather sleep with a dog than you!” Oh that’s REALLY ORIGINAL. I’ve never heard that before! What is with women and this phrase? The thing about it is, they say it like it’s a big popular insult. It’s less of an insult and more of a cause for concern. Listen, if you want to bang a dog more than a human being then that's not a problem with the me, that’s an emotional problem with YOU. I know personally, I’d rather have sex with the ugliest woman on earth before I pork a cocker spaniel. Having sex with a dog or any type of animal aside from homo erectus is never an option. It’s is just simply NOT an option. If you’re so quick to turn to bestiality then I’m sorry, but that’s a you problem not a me problem. It’s illegal for a reason, folks! Every time a woman says this to me I always recommend she get professional psychiatric help because that is really not a normal sentiment to carry. I’m never hurt by this, I’m concerned. It’s good that they say it though because once a woman says this I know I shouldn’t have wanted her to begin with. Lord knows what kinds of skeletons are hanging in that closet. There’s a decent chance they’re not all human skeletons too!

Good luck having sex with that.

Dumbass Sayings: “You Got Jokes”

Sometimes when you’re in a heated argument with an elderly lady on the street you say “I would diss yo momma right now, but the bitch is clearly dead so I ain’t even gonna go there!” Everyone in the crowd surrounding you two go “OHHHHHH!!!” and “Oh snapppp…” Then she says “Oh you got jokes!” Yes, I do “got jokes.” What is the point of saying this? “You got jokes” is just something people say when they have no comeback. You may as well just go “You just said that!” Yeah I know… You’re not adding anything to escalate this, you’re merely stating what’s occurring. It’d be like if we actually got into a fist fight, I punched you and you said “OH YOU CAN PUNCH!” Do you realize how stupid that sounds? But see in an actual fight you wouldn’t say that because you would be too busy trying to punch back. For some reason when it’s a verbal battle “Oh you got jokes” is seen as a retaliatory statement. Really it’s just a placeholder while your brain tries to think of something else to say. Usually that thing you’re thinking of never comes and it devolves into a street fight. At that point I’m beating the shit out of an elderly lady and I don’t want that. I never wanted that! It was self defense. She had a cane. That was use of a deadly weapon.

When you say "You got jokes!" you turn yourself into more of a heckler than a credible street fight opponent. I hope you learned your lesson, you old bitch.