Dumbass Sayings: “You Got Jokes”

Sometimes when you’re in a heated argument with an elderly lady on the street you say “I would diss yo momma right now, but the bitch is clearly dead so I ain’t even gonna go there!” Everyone in the crowd surrounding you two go “OHHHHHH!!!” and “Oh snapppp…” Then she says “Oh you got jokes!” Yes, I do “got jokes.” What is the point of saying this? “You got jokes” is just something people say when they have no comeback. You may as well just go “You just said that!” Yeah I know… You’re not adding anything to escalate this, you’re merely stating what’s occurring. It’d be like if we actually got into a fist fight, I punched you and you said “OH YOU CAN PUNCH!” Do you realize how stupid that sounds? But see in an actual fight you wouldn’t say that because you would be too busy trying to punch back. For some reason when it’s a verbal battle “Oh you got jokes” is seen as a retaliatory statement. Really it’s just a placeholder while your brain tries to think of something else to say. Usually that thing you’re thinking of never comes and it devolves into a street fight. At that point I’m beating the shit out of an elderly lady and I don’t want that. I never wanted that! It was self defense. She had a cane. That was use of a deadly weapon.

When you say "You got jokes!" you turn yourself into more of a heckler than a credible street fight opponent. I hope you learned your lesson, you old bitch.

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Stop Saying ‘You Know’ Before Every Sentence?”

Knowledge is power.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Some of my friends have recently pointed out that I, you know, say “You know” way too much when I’m talking. You know? How can I stop saying “You know” before every sentence? -- Elijah from New Brunswick, New Jersey

Dear Elijah: A lot of people have a problem with this and it’s because saying “You know” is a placeholder that folks put in their sentences when their brain is still buffering. Fortunately there is a solution. If you just stop to think about exactly what you’re going to say before you say it and say only those words you’ve preloaded in your mind then you’ll be okay. Just take a second or two to fully write out in your head what you’re going to say and gain a decent grasp on the words you’re going to start launching out of your gullet before you just go right into it. Think of talking like watching a streaming video on your computer with a poor wi-fi connection. It’s better to pause the video for a minute and let it load than to just have it play and freeze up over and over. You’ll probably save more time overall by preemptively preparing what you’re going to say than by throwing in all those “You know”s. When you say “You know” too much it can be annoying to people like seeing a loading screen. Just pause, take a breath and once you get the hang of not saying “You know” all the time it should naturally stop happening.

Send your questions to me at PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com