Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can You Tell You Have An Ass Infection?”

If you're seeing anything like
this, you've got a problem.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Usually when I get an infection I can tell it’s infected because it stinks, but with my ass how am I supposed to tell the difference? It’s an ASS! It’s supposed to stink! It’s like trying to tell when fish goes bad. How the hell am I supposed to know when I have an anal infection? -- Jill from Monterrey, New Mexico

Dear Jill:

There are actually a handful of ways to tell if you have an anal infection. For one, yes your ass probably stinks all the time, but when it’s infected you’ll be sniffing for a Fishy Anal Discharge. Now I know that sounds like a heavy metal band, but if you’re smelling anything besides fecal remnants and it’s not just a passing FAD, you should see your doctor. Discharge is also a clear sign you have an infection, especially if it’s colored. Just remember that when you see your doctor you shouldn’t just bend over and flash your anus at her. They really don’t like that apparently.

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Ask McFartnuggets: “I’m Getting A Fishy Discharge From My Anus!”

Your ass should never smell
like a can of anchovies.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

For the past few months I’ve been having a fishy smelling discharge coming out of my anus. I have no idea what it is only it’s a dark green. What could be causing this? -- Tanner from Fredericksburg, Virginia

Dear Tanner:

A few months?!! Get to a doctor! I know it’s probably embarrassing to tell them you have fishy goo coming out of your ass, but no more embarrassing than fishing it up at your family reunion dinner I’m sure. Usually fishy smells come from a bacterial infection of some sort. For some reason your anus is producing yeast. Unfortunately I can’t tell you why that’s happening. That’s for a butt doctor to figure out. Try eating as clean as you can and avoid swimming at the beach this summer until you get that remedied because you don’t know what types of sharks that discharge might attract. Good luck, Tanner!

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and please remember I am not a licensed medical practitioner.