Ask McFartnuggets: “Should I Let a Homeless Person Housesit For Me?”

Letting a hobo house sit is
a temporary solution to a
permanent problem.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’m leaving on business for two months and I’ve been looking for a house sitter, someone to watch the house while I’m gone. Then it hit me. Why not just have a homeless person be my housesitter? I mean isn’t that perfect? They get a place to stay and enjoy feeling like they have a home and I get a free house sitter. Everyone wins! I wish more things in life could work out this perfectly. It’s one of those rare instances where you can do a charitable act and actually get something in return besides feeling good about yourself. -- Sally from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Sally:

Yeeeeeeeeeeaeaaaaaahhhhhhhh… I don’t think that’s a good idea. Unless you really know the hobo well like he’s your cousin or father I wouldn’t really let them housesit. Even if you know them well there’s always the chance they can be followed by rogue rival hobos and they’ll manipulate or hurt your house sitting hobo to gain access to your home. You have to really trust this person. It’s best to choose someone you’ve known for a long time. Unless this homeless person has outstanding, credible references, I would avoid letting them watch your home. If you still really want to then I respect your commitment to charity and wish you and the homeless individual you've chosen all the best.

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Five Awesome Things You Can Do to Help the Homeless That No One Ever Does

Soup kitchens are great
but they've been done.

Sometimes in life you want to help other people who are struggling through hard times. Well there’s no one struggling harder than people who have no place to live. Maybe you want to help the homeless, but want to do it in a unique way that isn’t done very often. Anyone can hand a hobo a sandwich or a twenty dollar bill or a bottle of whiskey, but there’s nothing quite like an original, novel act of charitable giving. Here are five nice examples of things you can do to help the homeless in ways most people never think of:

1. Buy a homeless person a gym membership.

A gym membership is really a useful gift for a homeless person. They get access to water fountains and bathrooms, including showers. Depending on the facilities, they can soak in a jacuzzi every day or go swimming. They can jog to keep themselves active and healthy too. That’s a big thing people don’t think about. Being active can enhance your mood and help get you motivated. With a place to get clean every day they should be able to find a job somewhere and get started on a track back to having a home.

Sometimes you can't put a price on a nice hot public shower.

2. Throw a homeless person a birthday party.

When was the last time a homeless person had their birthday celebrated? Homeless birthday parties are probably not as common as you’d think. If they ever do have a party it’s with other hobos in a tiny little get together; it’s not a big celebration like a person deserves on their birthday. Pick a random hobo or a hobo you specifically want to help and ask them when their birthday is. When that day comes get a bunch of your friends together and take him to Chuck E. Cheese or Buffalo Wild Wings or something. Have a cake and give presents. I guarantee they’ll never forget it.

Everyone deserves a kickass Indian birthday party.

3. Take a homeless person to your doctor and pay for their check up.

One huge problem homeless people face is a lack of medical attention. There can be many different ailments bothering a hobo from basic injuries to sicknesses of the body and mind. If you can afford it, it’s a great thing to bring a hobo to your doctor or a doctor you know is good and get them checked up.Then maybe you can get them on medication or pay for a surgery they might need. No one ever does this.

What would a check-up be without a smirking nurse?

4. Put a homeless person in your will.

Speaking of things no one ever does, when was the last time you saw someone put a random hobo in their will? Clearly if you have children and a family then this might not be a great idea. This is more of an idea for people who have nobody in their lives except maybe a pet or two. You see a lot of people like this put their cat or dog in their will and it’s sad because there are human beings out there who could use the help way more than a cat.

Caligraphy is key in a will. It's your last wishes. They had better look good.

5. Take a homeless person out on a date.

Maybe you’ve got a nice job and you’re still single and looking for love. Sure you could keep going on internet dating sites and Tinder, but maybe true love has been riding on the subway next to you this whole time. The next time you see a hobo that tickles your fancy, ask them out to dinner. The nice thing is they’ll rarely turn down the meal. Get to know them, see what you have in common. It’s worth a shot! Worst case scenario you just fed a homeless lady. Best case scenario, you met a soulmate for life. Sounds like a pretty damn good deal to me!

There's this misconception out there that dating is only for people with homes. NOT TRUE.

So there ya have it! Five interesting, original ways to give back to the people you've probably inadvertently stepped on to get where you are today. If you ever really want to make a positive mark in someone's life just for the hell of it then you should try some of these!

Creative Ways To Help The Homeless

Giving gifts to homeless people is probably one of the best things you can do during the holiday season, but everyone always gives the same shit, clothes, food, and money. Here are ten things you can get for a homeless person that most people don't think of:

10). Q-tips. When you're homeless one of the first luxuries you forget about is q-tips. This holiday season, give the gift that keeps on giving, the orgasmic feeling of pushing a q-tip a little too far into your ear canal and rubbing the sides of your head pussies. PLUS it helps clean out ear wax so they can hear danger and threats that might have gone unnoticed with ears full of wax.

9). Porn magazines. Just make sure you get the proper ones, ask a hobo what he likes first. Don't just thrust "Barely Legal" at him assuming he's into that shit, be a little more caring than that.

8). Dog. If you see a hobo who's lonely, give him a dog from a kennel and save two lives at once.

7). Drugs. Yes drugs are bad, but a lot of hobos are drug addicts and by getting the drugs FOR THEM you assume the risk and thereby protect the hobo from any possible dangers that might arise from a bad deal.

6). Vodka or Gin. These are fairly pure alcohol spirits with limited sugar that help keep someone warm as well as act like Listerine to combat bad breath.

5). Gum. When was the last time you saw a hobo chewing gum? Usually they're chewing their tongue or nothing because their mouths are so dry! Help them juice it up! 4 out of 5 dentists recommend chewing Trident after a meal when brushing and flossing isn't available.

4). Cologne or perfume. Now this might seem insulting at first, but everyone likes to smell good and a sweet smelling hobo is more likely to obtain public donations.

3). Take them to a movie. After a hobo has the perfume on, take her to a movie. "Skyfall" is out and it's great. Going to the movies to see a thrilling blockbuster action movie is something people who have houses take for granted.

2). A personalized dinner. Bring a hobo home. It doesn't have to be Thanksgiving, it can be any night. Fix a nice home cooked meal and light a candle for ambiance.

1). Sex. Help a homeless person feel loved again. Do whatever you feel you can, don't force it. If the feelings are there then let it happen organically, if not, I'm sure a simple hand job or fingering will suffice.