Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Get My Son to Stop Watching Online Porn?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’m a mother of a 19-year-old boy named Kolin and last week I walked in on him watching online pornography. I was shocked and it was a very uncomfortable situation. We had a talk and he confided in me that it wasn’t the first time he had viewed this “porn.” My question is how can I get my son to stop watching online porn? -- Steven from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania

Dear Steven:

What would you rather he be watching offline porn? If that’s the case I would introduce him to Blu-ray which to be honest provides much crisper video quality and an overall enhanced viewing experience. You could also go the analog route and start purchasing adult themed periodicals. It’s old school, but I believe that having an actual hard copy of filth builds a certain amount of character. Everything is digital now and we lose a part of our humanity when it turns out we’re just pleasuring ourselves to a bunch of 1’s and 0’s. Whatever happened to good ol’ ink and paper? Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a National Geographic with my name on it, from 4th grade. I wrote my name on it in magic marker.

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Ask McFartnuggets: "I Think My Son's a Transvestite?" and "How Can I Stop Laughing at Funerals?"

Is one of these ladies your son?

Dear McFartnuggets: Last week my 23-year-old ran up to me and demanded that I purchase him a white dress and blonde wig because he wanted to dress like Marilyn Monroe for Halloween. I pointed out to him that Halloween isn't for another seven months or so and he flipped out on me saying that I didn't love him. To be frank I'm a little concerned at what this might mean. I'm beginning to suspect that he may be a transvestite which isn't a big deal to me, but I just don't know if him keeping this a secret from me is causing him any personal or mental anguish. What would you do? -- Momma of a Tranny in Washington

Dear Momma of a Tranny: You are really out of line. Just because your son wants to dress like Marilyn Monroe for Halloween you suspect he's a transvestite? Come on now! Who among us hasn't chosen to dress up as a member of the opposite sex on the pagan ritual of All Hallows Eve? Dressing up like the opposite gender on October 31st is as common as flashing your tiddies at Mardi Gras! I remember on Halloween maybe eight years ago I dressed up like She-Hulk and my sister dressed up like a doctor. I mean come on. We were just kids trying to experience what it feels like to be a different gender just for one day of the year and you have the conceit to label this young child a sexual deviant because you're afraid to purchase him a white dress and wig? Shame on you, dear madam! SHAME ON YOU!


Dear McFartnuggets: For some reason I always laugh at funerals. It's been a problem ever since I was a child. As I grow older and more and more people around me are beginning to die I feel evermore uncomfortable with the prospect of laughing at a memorial service. Do you have any advice? -- Nathaniel from San Juan, Puerto Rico

Dear Nathaniel: I'm not sure how they do funerals in Puerto Rico, maybe they're funnier than American funerals, but I would assume they are serious affairs. If that's the case then laughing is fairly wrong. What I would advise you to do is just think about how that particular person died. Keep thinking about their death and how it actually happened. Hopefully they didn't die in some hilarious way like being blown by clowns or something. If you find yourself still laughing then I would suggest therapy to find out why that is. If the particular person died in a funny way like they were eaten by midgets then I would focus more on the family. Think about how sad it is that they'll never get to speak to their family ever again and feel that warm embrace of familial love and how a part of each of them has been carved out and will never be returned. If you find yourself still laughing then again then maybe you've got some sort of neurological thing going on because that's messed up.

Calm down, it's a funeral, not whatever the hell this is supposed to be. If THIS was the funeral then I could understand laughing, but I highly doubt that.

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