Ask McFartnuggets: "Why Do People Say Not to Leave Babies in a Hot Car?"

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I always hear people talking about the dangers of leaving a baby in a hot car and they say “Never leave your baby in a hot car!” How about just don’t leave babies PERIOD. Why not just say that? Like leaving a baby in a cold car or even a normal temperature car is acceptable? Are people fucking stupid? Did I miss something? Is it okay to leave a baby in a car if it’s at a comfortable temperature?-- Wendy from Tuscaloosa, Alabama

Dear Wendy:

Well, you’re right no one should ever leave a baby unattended anywhere whether it’s a car, a bench, or a helicopter and of course regardless of the temperature. However, leaving a baby in a hot car is especially dangerous. Realistically, you could leave a baby in a locked car at 65 degrees for an hour and it would probably still be alive when you came back. Obviously that’s a horrible idea and you should be arrested if that happens, but if you left a baby in a hot car, the baby would most likely die which is a lot worse. Therefore it’s important to stress that a hot car is dangerous because you can’t overestimate people’s intelligence. The type of person who would leave a baby in a car won’t listen if you tell them not to leave a baby in any car because maybe they know if you leave a baby in a 65 degree car for an hour it’ll be fine. So if you told them not to leave a baby in a car at all they’d probably answer with a “Shiiiiiit, don’t tell me how to raise my kids!” But if you say “Don’t leave your baby in a hot car” then they’ll go “Oh right, thanks for the reminder. Shiiiiiit. I don’t want no fried baby!” It’s never going to be a perfect world. Babies are going to get left in cars. It’s more important to just limit the damage that’s done than to aim for the ideal situation of 0 car babies.

Always keep your baby properly hydrated, probably not with Gatorade though.

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Ask McFartnuggets: "I Think My Son's a Transvestite?" and "How Can I Stop Laughing at Funerals?"

Is one of these ladies your son?

Dear McFartnuggets: Last week my 23-year-old ran up to me and demanded that I purchase him a white dress and blonde wig because he wanted to dress like Marilyn Monroe for Halloween. I pointed out to him that Halloween isn't for another seven months or so and he flipped out on me saying that I didn't love him. To be frank I'm a little concerned at what this might mean. I'm beginning to suspect that he may be a transvestite which isn't a big deal to me, but I just don't know if him keeping this a secret from me is causing him any personal or mental anguish. What would you do? -- Momma of a Tranny in Washington

Dear Momma of a Tranny: You are really out of line. Just because your son wants to dress like Marilyn Monroe for Halloween you suspect he's a transvestite? Come on now! Who among us hasn't chosen to dress up as a member of the opposite sex on the pagan ritual of All Hallows Eve? Dressing up like the opposite gender on October 31st is as common as flashing your tiddies at Mardi Gras! I remember on Halloween maybe eight years ago I dressed up like She-Hulk and my sister dressed up like a doctor. I mean come on. We were just kids trying to experience what it feels like to be a different gender just for one day of the year and you have the conceit to label this young child a sexual deviant because you're afraid to purchase him a white dress and wig? Shame on you, dear madam! SHAME ON YOU!


Dear McFartnuggets: For some reason I always laugh at funerals. It's been a problem ever since I was a child. As I grow older and more and more people around me are beginning to die I feel evermore uncomfortable with the prospect of laughing at a memorial service. Do you have any advice? -- Nathaniel from San Juan, Puerto Rico

Dear Nathaniel: I'm not sure how they do funerals in Puerto Rico, maybe they're funnier than American funerals, but I would assume they are serious affairs. If that's the case then laughing is fairly wrong. What I would advise you to do is just think about how that particular person died. Keep thinking about their death and how it actually happened. Hopefully they didn't die in some hilarious way like being blown by clowns or something. If you find yourself still laughing then I would suggest therapy to find out why that is. If the particular person died in a funny way like they were eaten by midgets then I would focus more on the family. Think about how sad it is that they'll never get to speak to their family ever again and feel that warm embrace of familial love and how a part of each of them has been carved out and will never be returned. If you find yourself still laughing then again then maybe you've got some sort of neurological thing going on because that's messed up.

Calm down, it's a funeral, not whatever the hell this is supposed to be. If THIS was the funeral then I could understand laughing, but I highly doubt that.

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Should You Tell Your Children About Your History with Drugs?

Getting caught smoking crack sucks!

A recent study suggests that parents should hide their past drug usage from their kids because it might encourage the children to try drugs for themselves. I've found that it's okay for me to tell my kids about my historic drug usage of the past because they pretty much already know from the stories their aunts and uncles have told them.

They might not be the brightest kids around, but they're smart enough to know that my previous drug usage is the reason they're getting straight D's and had to have steel plates used to reinforce areas of their skull that were not developed properly in the womb. By telling my kids about all the poppers and droppers I used to do back in the week they'll realize how serious it really is. They'll be able to look at me in the glossy eyes and say "Wow, I am NEVER doing that! I will never allow myself to become what you are..." And isn't that the most effective way to teach kids?

Either they're going to learn the lesson themselves the hard way because they have no idea of the consequences or you can lay it all out on the table and show them exactly what type of destruction and pain narcotics can cause people. Either you tell your kids about your meth addiction, or they'll have peers and celebrities glorify drug usage to them and totally ruin their perception of what this poison can do.