Why Are People Memorializing Jovan Belcher?

Kansas City Chief linebacker Jovan Belcher murdered his girlfriend and then killed himself and ESPN keeps putting up those memorial graphics with his picture and "1987-2012" thing right next to the woman he killed. I don't have anything wrong with being sad about what happened, but people don't memorialize a marine or military service member who kills his wife or girlfriend and then commits suicide. Why do people act like Belcher is some kind of revered person? Because he played football? Football is crucial to the success of ESPN so ESPN will stroke them off by honoring Belcher and talking about how much of a tragedy this is to the head coach of the Chiefs, but hopefully everyone else has the sense to realize Belcher deserves no real memorial for what he's done no matter how much of a "hero" he was in life. NFL commentators are surprised the Chiefs didn't want to postpone their game the day after, but really, they're 1-10. Why would they postpone the game? To give them a better chance of winning? I think they know they're fucked either way. Normally a football team would try to go out there and win one for their fallen comrade, but I think the Chiefs are going to just go out there and give it their best shot for their fallen comrade and see where that takes them first.

Bizarre Commercial For Crappy Frame Store

Sometimes commercials from local areas can be very strange. Usually the owner of the store sings poorly or proclaims he has a mental disorder of some type, but in this case it's something far stranger. How does a frame store even stay in business? That's like a Ruler store. Sell other shit, folks!

Is Murder Contagious Like The Flu?

An article from livescience.com says: Researchers relied on the same techniques public-health officials use to track the spread of diseases, but applied them to the spread of homicide in Newark, N.J., over a 26-year span from 1982 to 2008. And just as in other epidemics, certain neighborhoods were more susceptible than others. Diverse, immigrant-rich communities looked to be protected against homicide's spread in the research, while the poorest neighborhoods were more vulnerable.

Murder is contagious? How about more like Newark is a fucked up place to live. Yes, it's true that if you live in a dangerous neighborhood where murders are happening that might make you more likely to commit murder to survive, but that's basic sense. There's nothing to suggest that murder is literally contagious and articles like this are irresponsibly stupid. If a murderer has you tied to a chair and you manage to get free and kill him so you can escape is that because his lethal case of murder rubbed off on you? As the famous poet Balki once said "Well, of course not. Don't be RIDICULOUS". If you think murder is a contagious disease then the next time you really feel like killing someone just drink a glass of orange juice and get some rest. I guess murderers aren't really killers they're just a little under the weather.

Do Concussions Make Athletes Do Murder/Suicides?

After Kansas City Chiefs' linebacker Jovan Belcher killed his girlfriend and himself people started linking that to possible post concussion syndrome and the professional wrestler Chris Benoit who killed his family and himself. These two incidents lead people to believe that maybe steroids and/or concussions can make people mentally unstable. While that may be true, you have to remember that these are two incidents. Clearly the magnitude of a man killing his family is nothing to be understated, but if concussions and steroids were to blame then this shit would be happening with athletes all over the world from basketball leagues to boxing. I think that's an important thing to note when we try to place the blame anywhere else than on the actual man who commits these acts.

It's Not Called "Asperger's" Anymore

According to NBC News, the American Psychiatric Association's latest manual has changed the term "Asperger's Disorder" to "DMDD". "Asperger's" was the term to describe people with high intelligence and low social skills which they've now deemed not a disorder or syndrome the way homosexuality once was. They're saying DMDD stands for "Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder" which sounds way more legitimate. If having social problems is your issue then it's probably better not to use a term that sounds to most people like the word "assburgers" or to Spanish speakers "Hamburguesas de Culo". At least if you say DMDD then no one who doesn't know what it is thinks you might have said "ass burgers". I can't tell you how many times I've told someone I might have Aspergers and they reply "Do you want anal onions with that?" Well finally that nightmare is OVER!

Disgusting Monistat 7 Commercial

Monistat 7 is not usually something you'd associate with grossness, but the makers of this commercial really didn't do the world's greatest taco topping any favors in this 80's advertising gem. Fun trivia: the actor who played the little boy is now dead.

 

How To Survive A Shark Attack

Every time you enter the water there is always the chance you could be viciously attacked by a shark even if you're in a pool someone could drop a shark in there when you're not looking. So what do you do when a shark grabs hold of you? Most people say you should try to gouge its eyes out. I'm not sure that works, but if anything that will blind the shark so it's harder for it to attack people in the future after you're dead. It would seem that the only reason sharks attack people is because they mistake the person for a seal. So to survive a shark attack you need to do the exact opposite of what a seal does. That means DON'T struggle. Just go limp in the shark's mouth. Normally going limp in someone's mouth is not what you're taught to do, but in this case it's fine. Then that can confuse the shark and your next move is to try to keep it from biting open a main artery and hope for it to let you go. This is what happened to some fool recently:

Tom Kennedy of Lake Oswego, Ore., was snorkeling near a shore in Kihei, Hawaii at about 9:35 a.m., when a 10 foot shark attacked him. Kennedy said at some point, the shark let go of his leg and he swam as fast as he could to get away. "It released me and I started swimming as fast as I could…as I went further and started to bleed, I could see I was trailing blood, which was my next concern," Kennedy said.

This is the key, when it lets you go you need to swim as fast as possible. Don't just swim all slow and take your time. You're gonna really want to put your all into it, that means arms AND footsie paddling. You're going to worry about all the blood loss, but do that later on the shore. Don't dwell on that while the shark is still near, that's a bad move. So to recap, go limp, keep your thigh out of the shark's mouth, and swim as fast as you can when it lets you go.

Should You Leave Out Milk & Cookies For Santa?

Let this man in your house.

It's a famous tradition to leave out cookies and milk for Santa, but let's face it, Santa and/or your parents are overweight enough without forcing them to eat even more over the holidays. What I like to do is leave out healthier choices like celery juice and horse radish, then if Santa doesn't like it he can always just leave it. As long as he brings presents that's proof enough he was there, right? How insecure can you be? Santa doesn't do this for the cookies, he does it out of the goodness of his heart. And milk? He's riding with nine reindeer for Christ sake! That's like 87 titties or something. He can just suck whatever milk he wants from those teats. What do you think he's BEEN doing this whole time?! That's 100% pure highest quality magic reindeer tit milk! Why would he dare stain his lips with your pitiful 2% skim cow piss? Give me a break.

Offering Santa cookies for the joy he brings you is like offering a hooker a slinky for a blow job. The payment doesn't really add up, it's more insulting than anything. The bottom line is Santa needs to lose weight. Don't be an enabler by making him feel obligated to take a bite of your damn cookies. And what if your cookies are fucked up? What if you used bad eggs or something? Do you want to risk screwing up Santa's bowels on the most important night of his year? Do the right thing and eat the cookies and milk yourself or better yet leave them outside your front door for some homeless people. That would be TRUE Christmas spirit!