What Do Astronauts Talk About Before Launch?

With footage like this now that astronaut woman who drove across the country with a diaper on doesn't seem so ridiculous.

Great New Way To Help The Environment

If you're like me then you're always trying to find new ways to reduce your human strain on the environment. Just recently I discovered a great way to do this and it's something everyone can get involved in. If you're a person who is in the routine of taking one bowel movement every day (and for your sake I hope you are) start getting into the routine of pooping every other day instead. I discovered this by accident, but I soon realized that the human body really doesn't need to crap every day, you can skip a day. So far I'm fine. Why would you do such a thing? Think about all the toilet paper you'd be saving and all the water from flushing that wouldn't be used, and also the time that is saved by not straining out a crap.

Let me tell you something, if you're spending forty five minutes every day being patient with a turd because you think a human has to take a crap every single day to be "regular" then you need to cut that shit out literally and wait a day. By waiting those turds will be locked and loaded and ready to launch in mere minutes with very little downtime.

I wouldn't try to stretch it to holding in your poop two or more days, that could get dangerous as it is then legally considered constipation. Also this could negatively effect the conservation effort since you might end up needing to use more toilet paper in that one sitting than the amount you'd need for three separate moderate dumps. I feel like if everyone in the world could train their bodies to crap every other day the impact felt by this would be outstanding and perhaps enough to alter the entire course of Earth's history for the better. Please, do your part. Hold in your turd today and put it off till tomorrow.

Why Do NFL Sideline Reporters Exist?

The only thing stupider than having cheerleaders freeze their fully clothed tits off at winter playoff games is sideline reporters. The thing I don't like about them is anything they report is always hearsay. It's always "I spoke with Pete Caroll at halftime and he said blah blah BLAHHHHH". They never have any evidence to back up what they're reporting, but the reason they don't have evidence is because they don't need any since what they're reporting is so stupid and trivial it doesn't even need to be reported in the first place.

We live in an era where you can easily record video of a coach in a locker room giving a one sentence interview, but doing that would highlight how useless the information is. Oh you're going to try to commit to the running game more in the second half? What a revelation! Glad I have that information! If they had a little video of that playing in the corner of the screen once the 3rd quarter started you'd think "Who the fuck cares?" Instead some random woman they just pulled off the street says it and it's something the commentators in the booth have to pretend is important. I understand it's important to involve women in football for some reason, but making them sideline reporters is patronizing and ridiculous.

Haunted Folgers Commercial with Ghost Man

This was from a more innocent time in American history when an old man could just appear in your home and it was a welcomed event.

How Old is Too Old For Breast Feeding?

There are a lot of arguments over how old is too old for breast feeding. I tend to think 70 is a good cut off point, but usually by then your breasts are too wrinkled and dried out for feeding anyway. If your tits are down past your ankles it's time to hang them up, literally. Then again I don't always think it's fair to give an exact age range for when you should stop breast feeding because it's different in every individual. What's too old for one person isn't too old for another. For instance, I'm a man so pretty much zero-years-old is too old for me to breastfeed people, for a larger man who's been under a lot of stress maybe he can pull it off. Who knows? The bottom line is this is always going to be a case by case issue and we can't just set a totalitarian titty milk mandate declaring breast feeding age. Sucking is in nipple of the beholder.

Are Superpowers Real?

Whenever you see a show about people who claim to have super powers they always show you weird religious tribal people sticking needles through their faces. That's impressive, but to me that's not a real power. In order for something to be a power it has to be practical or useful in some way. So you can stick needles through your face and scrotum, big deal! I can turn my nipples into shishkebobs with pork loin and grilled onions, but I'd hesitate to call that a "superpower". You can't stop a robbery like that. If I ran up to a crook with my shishkebob nipples I'm getting my ass laid out in under a minute, in part because I can't properly maneuver with kebob tits, but also because having a tolerance for pain doesn't help anyone. I think this is where they came up with the famous saying "Don't bring shishkebob nipples to a gun fight".

Disgusting Pepto Bismol Commercial

Perchance you've seen the recent commercials for Pepto Bismol tablets that promise quick relief from gastrointestinal discomforts, but would you believe the concept of Pepto Bismol tablets stretch as far back to when your grandmother's bush wasn't white as a ghost?

Who Are The World's Best Crappers?

It's a subject talked about almost nonstop these days: Which animal on Earth is the best at crapping out poop? Everyone who's reached a certain age realizes that shitting is not only a skill, but an art. Everyone does it from man to shark to worm, so the question is, who is best at bowel movements? Here's my completely subjective top five:

5. Rhinoceros - If you've never seen a video of a rhinoceros crapping before it's really something else. It's basically like a human woman giving birth except to a shitbaby. What we consider a miracle of life these rhinos do at least once a day.

4. Human - Some might question why a human would be ranked above a rhino, but if you've ever been into the bathroom on Thanksgiving after my Aunt Barbara you know why I did this.

3. Elephant - A single elephant turd is enough to feed a family of six for up to a month.

2. Blue Whale - Number two deserves a special mention on this list and due to sheer mass, the largest mammal on Earth is the only choice. Plus it's underwater which means when they have diarrhea it comes out like a cloud. Can you imagine being caught in a Blue Whale diarrhea cloud? Yeah go ahead and give that a thought.

1. Hippopotamus - Hippos have the total pooping package: they're big, they have liquidy stools often, and they have style. You can tell when a hippo is about to crap because they start swinging their tail around like an old Wright Brothers propeller plane. Then as they're in the act of shitting the tail flies all over the place in essence, flinging the dookie in all directions as if to purposely hit onlookers at the zoo. For this they claim the title of Undisputed World Bowel Movement Champions. But beware hippos, I'm working on copying your method and if I somehow find a surgeon who is willing to attach a working hippo tail right above my cornhole I'm coming for that number one spot!