Important Black Friday Lessons For Everyone

R.I.P. Lady that was in my way

I learned a lot this past Black Friday. Looking across a field of chaos and death is something every person should experience at least once in their lives. Bonfires roasting Furbies, two old men beating each other to death over a Craftstman hand saw, the winner of the battle then plugging it in and using it on the fallen old man, blood spraying in all directions, children screaming. Just another Black Friday? NOT QUITE! I picked up a few tips this time around.

First, if you see any human teeth on the floor don't just go "EAghh" and walk away. PICK THEM UP. Save them in your pocket because then you can put them under your pillow that night and the Tooth Fairy will give you some extra holiday spending cash for them. It's just as good as a voucher or discount, maybe even better because it requires the least work!

Second, if you've got an elderly lady in an Israeli military rear naked choke hold and she starts tapping out, DO NOT let go. If you're in a cage that's fine, but when you're in Wal-Mart it's anything goes and you can't be surprised if you release the hold and she then canes you in the nuts. That's perfectly legal on Black Friday.

And last, wear your iPod or Walkman or Microsoft Zune because it's better to not hear the screams and cries that ring out from babies and people being mutilated by the Yo Gabba Gabba toys. Just block it out and keep moving else the shrieks will continue to haunt your dreams even days later.