Why Do Nipples Get Harder In The Cold?

Everywhere I go people always ask me the same thing, "Why do my nipples get so hard when it's cold, but when it's hot they're tender and pliable?" My answer is always the same, "Who are you?" And before they answer I make sure to run away fast enough that they don't follow me. Usually by the time I get home and calm down I wonder, why DO nipples get hard in the cold? It's an udder mystery to me. As I sit their in my frigid bathroom, flicking my icicle-like teat, I keep thinking, what evolutionary sense does this make?

Well all I can figure is that when it's cold out you need more milk and it's probably easier to suck something that's hard, (ladies). Even on a baby bottle, that rubber titty is pretty stiff, it's not like some loose fleshy bulb that feels like sponge taffy in your mouth. The optimal sucking nipple is hard, but not too hard. When it gets too cold your body shuts down to preserve itself, but there's a middle ground before the nipple is harder than learning how to read braille with your feet and that's when you want that thing in your mouth.

Ultimately my mind then moves the the issue of Eskimo nipples. Those must be the hardest nipples known to man. Those nipples must be harder than solving a Rubix Cube using only your face. I'd love to discuss the matter more, but my nipples are harder than getting my grandmother to figure out the phone conversation is over and believe it or not I have more important things to do in life than sit here listening to her ramble about her childhood in the fucking apple orchard AGAIN!