Important Tips and Tricks For Black Friday!

Black Friday Madness!

First off, can we start calling it "African American Friday"? No! We can't! This is Black Friday! It's not a time for sensitivity, it's a time for showing up at the closest superstore warehouse with your digestive system all plugged up with turkey and whiskey and jamming your foot up someone's ass to nab a Wii U for 20 bucks off. A lot of people like to research the best deals online before Black Friday, but what they should be doing is taking a Navy SEAL self-defense training course. Here are some other things you need to do:

1). Learn how to use your surroundings and improvise lethal weapons out of ordinary things you might find at a K-Mart like a shelf panel or coat hanger.

2). Bring a bowie knife, it's great for cutting through a crowd.

3). Wear a Kevlar vest underneath your clothing. When you're in a wall-to-wall mass of humanity it's easy for a competitor to shiv and shank people without getting caught. Do not stop this from happening, as it thins the herd, but rather defend yourself so you are not a victim.

4). Wear very big steel-toe boots. You are going to need to step over/on many people on Black Friday, make sure your feet are well protected and comfortable. How do you tell you have the right boots? You should be able to crush a human skull without feeling it under your foot.

5). Bring pepper spray. You could use bear mace on a large group, but a single can of regular ol' riot spray should do just fine in the event someone knocks away your bowie knife.

6). Do lots of Cocaine. I MEAN LOTS. When the fight or flight instincts are activated in your brain you're going to need the confidence and energy to fight. That means going all out Scarface on these bitches.

7). Learn how to break someone's neck with your bare hands.

8)). Have a smoke bomb so after you've made your purchases you can create a diversion that will allow you to escape to your Bat Pod/Toyota Corolla.

9). Try really hard NOT to kill any security guards or cops. Doing that will get you in the news and make you a higher target for law enforcement. Anyone else seems to be fair game these days.

10). Don't be blinded by the percent off you're getting on a sale. Make sure you take a look at the actual specifics of the discount and be wary of any extraneous mail-in rebates or brand specific clauses within the promotion that could lead to a bigger headache than if you bought a competitive product for a slightly higher markup.

And that's it! Just follow those ten tips and you're sure to have an UNFORGETTABLE Black Friday. Good luck and God's speed...