Cyber Monday is Bullshit

A lot of cowardly Americans who don't have the blood lust and testicles to claw tooth and nail against other people in Best Buy on the Friday after Thanksgiving will opt to engage in "Cyber Monday". I am totally against Cyber Monday, I think it takes fresh meat out of the cage on Black Friday. Now all the wusses who don't want to risk life and limb for a Furby are going to stay home and cyber it up instead of stepping into Hades with rabid warriors of consumption like myself. I mean sure, there will still be loads of old people to beat the shit out of because they're still not comfortable with computers, but when I elbow someone in the chin and stomp on their skull like a springboard to grab a Sony flatscreen I want that skull to be somewhat resilient, not some powdery old elderly skull that just crushes under my foot, that's a gross feeling.

The only "Cyber Monday" I'll be engaged in is having cybersex with my Malaysian pen pal while I brag about all the awesome deals and human teeth I got on Black Friday. Black Friday is one of the last events in America where you get to really test your skills and will against some of the biggest, scariest, angriest women you've ever seen in your life. If I can knock the shit out of THEM, then that confidence carries over throughout the rest of the holiday season. When I hand my stepson a Playstation Vita that I know I murdered seven people in cold blood for, well that just makes that gift that much more meaningful. It's not always the actual gift that matters, it's what a person went through to get it. And as long as Black Friday remains one of the most lethal days in annual American history, every gift I give will have something special about it.