Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Keep People From Hearing Me Take A Crap?”

To poo silently you
must learn the ways
of the ninja.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I was having dinner at my in-laws’ house last week when I had to get up to use the bathroom. Their bathroom was sort of close to the dining room so as I was crapping I could hear them laughing. The sound of my poops plopping in the water was loud enough for them to hear. When I came out of the bathroom no one talked to me for the rest of the night. How can I make sure this never happens again? -- Douglas from Norfolk, Virginia

Dear Douglas:

Whenever you’re at someone’s house and they don’t have the noisemaker switch to block out shitting sounds you’re going to have to get a little creative. If you’re in a desperate situation where you can’t have anyone hear your shit plopping you’re going to have to take a dump in the bathtub. I know it sounds counter intuitive and disgusting, but if you really must not be heard then this is the the best way to achieve that outcome. When the feces hits the bathtub you won’t hear a thing. Of course once you’ve crapped in the tub the hard part begins. You’re going to have to scoop the dookie out with your hands (preferably with gloves on) and lay it gently into the toilet bowl. This will require you to lower the poo in your hands below the water level and then jostle it off the gloves. Get as much as you can and then flush. Then turn on the shower and wash as much of the leftover crap down the tub drain. Wet your hair under the shower too (I’ll explain why this is important later). Use cleaning products and Lysol spray with toilet paper to get rid of all traces and walk out like nothing ever happened. They’ll probably ask why the shower was running. Just say you needed to wash your hair and if you wet your head like I told you everything should work just fine. Just don’t make a habit of this. Crap before you go to fancy dinner parties. You do this too much and you’ll risk clogging someone’s bathtub with shit and that’s going to be worse than if you just shat loudly to begin with.

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